Friday, October 12, 2012
Best spam messages ever
Best spam messages ever
The following are some of the more amusing images I've grabbed from penis enlargement spam messages over the past few months. NSFW, obviously.Corrections to Last Month’s Letters to Penthouse Forum.
Corrections to Last Month’s Letters to Penthouse Forum.
BY David Cooper
- - - -
In the letter “Laying Late-Night Cable,” it was misstated that
“Shelly became immediately aroused at the sight of my rock-hard member
straining to be free from my jeans.” In truth, Shelly’s initial demeanor
would be best described as visibly uncomfortable and leery. She did not
achieve a state of arousal until learning—after several awkward
drinks—that performing fellatio would result in a free month of HBO and Starz.
- - - -
In the letter “Three-Way Freeway,” it
was implied that “Diana” begged for the opportunity to participate in
sexual relations with her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend after
accidentally walking in on their “sweaty, all-night lovemaking session.”
In actual fact, “Diana” was not aware of her participation in the “love
sandwich” until she regained consciousness later that evening.
- - - -
In the letter “Calling Dr. Love,” it
was suggested that the letter writer’s “throbbing member was purple with
pulsating lust” until if found release in “the warm, wet mouth of an
off-duty nurse in a hospital supply closet.” The actual cause of said
member’s throbbing and discolored state was an unfortunate
softball-related accident that landed him the in the hospital’s
emergency room. He is currently recovering from his injuries while
facing harassment charges from several nurses and staff janitors.
- - - -
In the letter “And Wifey Makes
Three,” the letter writer stated: “My wife was eager to engage in a
threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter.” The
sentence should read: “My wife was disgusted, repulsed, and, in every
imaginable way, opposed to the thought of engaging in a threesome with
me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter.” Nor did the wife
“wildly undulate” while seated on the face of the babysitter, or “moan
in unending pleasure” as she watched her “superstud” of a husband give
the babysitter “a good seeing-to.” The letter writer also doesn’t fight
crime on the weekends from the confines of a secret underground lair.
- - - -
In the letter “Rent Payments,” the
letter writer described his landlady as having “the flawlessly tanned
and toned body of a much younger woman” and “full, pouty lips that
promised—and later delivered—satisfaction.” The landlady, in fact, does
not exist. Nor does the letter writer possess “an impressive love-tool
that all the ladies crave.” He did, however, totally make out with this
one girl once and they were so going to do it, until his mom came home.
Really.
- - - -
Penthouse Forum regrets these errors.Some of the most controversial album covers ever
1. The Black Crowes, ‘Amorica’ (1994)Amorica depicted a closeup of a bathing suit with pubic hair showing.The picture was from a 1976 United States Bicentennial issue of ‘Hustler’ magazine and caused quite a controversy. The record company ended up putting out an alternative cover that blacked out the offending image. They loved it in Brazil though. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
2. Bow Wow Wow, ‘See Jungle! See Jungle! Go Join Your Gang Yeah! City All Over, Go Ape Crazy!’ (1981)The singer for Bow Wow Wow was only 15 years old when this album was released. Lwin’s covered-but-naked body on the album cover, prompted her mother to accuse band manager Malcolm Mclaren of exploiting a minor. Scotland Yard even investigated the case. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
3. Cannibal Corpse, ‘Butchered At Birth’ (1991)This was the death metal band’s second album, and was quickly banned in Germany until June 2006. The very grotesque cover art featured a slaughtered mother-to-be being cut up by a zombie, with her baby apparently about to be slaughtered by another zombie | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
4. Chumbawamba, ‘Anarchy’ (1994)This one doesn’t need any explanation as to why it caused problems. The anti-establishment rockers, whose guitarist Danbert Nobacon very famously drenched Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott at the 1998 Brit Awards, actually intended to cause outrage with this sleeve. Many stores refused to stock it and others covered it with a plain wrapper. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
5. David Bowie, ‘Diamond Dogs’ (1974)On Diamond Dogs, Bowie was pictures as a man-dog, whose genitals were clearly visible on the reverse sleeve. When record executives realized that this would cause a major stir, they had the offending area airbrushed out. The original albums now command thousands of dollars from collectors. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
6. Guns N’ Roses, ‘Appetite for Destruction’ (1987)This very disturbing picture of an alien and robot rape scene was the original graphics for the for the cover of Guns N’ Roses’ debut album. In the end they decided to use a completely different image, although this picture did still appear on the inside sleeve of the album. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
7. The Five Keys, ‘On Stage!’ (1957)The Five Keys were big in the 50′s, which just so happens to be a time when over-prudence was the norm. Rudy West (far left) had his right thumb just barely visible on the record jacket for this release. Of course everyone got really excited about it, because what if someone mistook it for some ahem, other body part? As a result, on later pressings the offensive digit was covered up. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
8. Roger Waters, ‘The Pros and Cons of Hitch Hiking’ (1984)When this album (a really under-appreciated album, by the way) was released, complaints that it could be seen as encouraging rape meant that subsequent pressings were changed to have a black bar across the hitch-hikers’ bum. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
9. Jimi Hendrix, ‘Electric Ladyland’ (1968)Obviously this much nudity wouldn’t do in 1968 – the sleeve as it appears here was banned. Even now, the version you’ll see in the shops features Hendrix’s face covering the album. I guess they ran out of black bars to cover up the bad bits. If you like this album, you should definitely check out the “making of” DVD. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Lynyrd Skynyrd, ‘Street Survivors’ (1977)In a fairly ironic twist of fate, only three days after this album came out several members of the band, including lead vocalist and primary songwriter Ronnie Van Zant, died in a plane crash. Suddenly the flames on the sleeve seemed insensitive to everyone, so for many years the flames were airbrushed out.
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Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Interesting terms defined
Snargle-fart
A snargle-fart is the unique art of going to the bathroom to take a shit and while shitting, the shitter vomits simultaneously. This creates an epidemic of major proportions of bio-waste release.
An extra option is that the original shitter has the option of giving head directly after snargle-farting without properly cleansing themselves beforehand.
abc sex
Sex only on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas
crop dusting
Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.
v. farting while walking or running
n. crop duster
When crop dusting does NOT work:
1. on a treadmill (no matter how fast you walk or run)
2. with a strong tail wind
3. with a turnaround - for example, you crop dust while walking with your girlfriend, then she turns around and walks back to look at a display in a storefront window.
A snargle-fart is the unique art of going to the bathroom to take a shit and while shitting, the shitter vomits simultaneously. This creates an epidemic of major proportions of bio-waste release.
An extra option is that the original shitter has the option of giving head directly after snargle-farting without properly cleansing themselves beforehand.
abc sex
Sex only on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas
crop dusting
Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.
v. farting while walking or running
n. crop duster
When crop dusting does NOT work:
1. on a treadmill (no matter how fast you walk or run)
2. with a strong tail wind
3. with a turnaround - for example, you crop dust while walking with your girlfriend, then she turns around and walks back to look at a display in a storefront window.
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