Corrections to Last Month’s Letters to Penthouse Forum.

BY David Cooper

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In the letter “Laying Late-Night Cable,” it was misstated that “Shelly became immediately aroused at the sight of my rock-hard member straining to be free from my jeans.” In truth, Shelly’s initial demeanor would be best described as visibly uncomfortable and leery. She did not achieve a state of arousal until learning—after several awkward drinks—that performing fellatio would result in a free month of HBO and Starz.

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In the letter “Three-Way Freeway,” it was implied that “Diana” begged for the opportunity to participate in sexual relations with her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend after accidentally walking in on their “sweaty, all-night lovemaking session.” In actual fact, “Diana” was not aware of her participation in the “love sandwich” until she regained consciousness later that evening.

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In the letter “Calling Dr. Love,” it was suggested that the letter writer’s “throbbing member was purple with pulsating lust” until if found release in “the warm, wet mouth of an off-duty nurse in a hospital supply closet.” The actual cause of said member’s throbbing and discolored state was an unfortunate softball-related accident that landed him the in the hospital’s emergency room. He is currently recovering from his injuries while facing harassment charges from several nurses and staff janitors.

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In the letter “And Wifey Makes Three,” the letter writer stated: “My wife was eager to engage in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter.” The sentence should read: “My wife was disgusted, repulsed, and, in every imaginable way, opposed to the thought of engaging in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter.” Nor did the wife “wildly undulate” while seated on the face of the babysitter, or “moan in unending pleasure” as she watched her “superstud” of a husband give the babysitter “a good seeing-to.” The letter writer also doesn’t fight crime on the weekends from the confines of a secret underground lair.

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In the letter “Rent Payments,” the letter writer described his landlady as having “the flawlessly tanned and toned body of a much younger woman” and “full, pouty lips that promised—and later delivered—satisfaction.” The landlady, in fact, does not exist. Nor does the letter writer possess “an impressive love-tool that all the ladies crave.” He did, however, totally make out with this one girl once and they were so going to do it, until his mom came home. Really.

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Penthouse Forum regrets these errors.

1. The Black Crowes, ‘Amorica’ (1994)

Amorica depicted a closeup of a bathing suit with pubic hair showing.The picture was from a 1976 United States Bicentennial issue of ‘Hustler’ magazine and caused quite a controversy. The record company ended up putting out an alternative cover that blacked out the offending image. They loved it in Brazil though.

2. Bow Wow Wow, ‘See Jungle! See Jungle! Go Join Your Gang Yeah! City All Over, Go Ape Crazy!’ (1981)

The singer for Bow Wow Wow was only 15 years old when this album was released. Lwin’s covered-but-naked body on the album cover, prompted her mother to accuse band manager Malcolm Mclaren of exploiting a minor. Scotland Yard even investigated the case.

3. Cannibal Corpse, ‘Butchered At Birth’ (1991)

This was the death metal band’s second album, and was quickly banned in Germany until June 2006. The very grotesque cover art featured a slaughtered mother-to-be being cut up by a zombie, with her baby apparently about to be slaughtered by another zombie

4. Chumbawamba, ‘Anarchy’ (1994)

This one doesn’t need any explanation as to why it caused problems. The anti-establishment rockers, whose guitarist Danbert Nobacon very famously drenched Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott at the 1998 Brit Awards, actually intended to cause outrage with this sleeve. Many stores refused to stock it and others covered it with a plain wrapper.

5. David Bowie, ‘Diamond Dogs’ (1974)

On Diamond Dogs, Bowie was pictures as a man-dog, whose genitals were clearly visible on the reverse sleeve. When record executives realized that this would cause a major stir, they had the offending area airbrushed out. The original albums now command thousands of dollars from collectors.

6. Guns N’ Roses, ‘Appetite for Destruction’ (1987)

This very disturbing picture of an alien and robot rape scene was the original graphics for the for the cover of Guns N’ Roses’ debut album. In the end they decided to use a completely different image, although this picture did still appear on the inside sleeve of the album.

7. The Five Keys, ‘On Stage!’ (1957)

The Five Keys were big in the 50′s, which just so happens to be a time when over-prudence was the norm. Rudy West (far left) had his right thumb just barely visible on the record jacket for this release. Of course everyone got really excited about it, because what if someone mistook it for some ahem, other body part? As a result, on later pressings the offensive digit was covered up.

8. Roger Waters, ‘The Pros and Cons of Hitch Hiking’ (1984)

When this album (a really under-appreciated album, by the way) was released, complaints that it could be seen as encouraging rape meant that subsequent pressings were changed to have a black bar across the hitch-hikers’ bum.

9. Jimi Hendrix, ‘Electric Ladyland’ (1968)

Obviously this much nudity wouldn’t do in 1968 – the sleeve as it appears here was banned. Even now, the version you’ll see in the shops features Hendrix’s face covering the album. I guess they ran out of black bars to cover up the bad bits. If you like this album, you should definitely check out the “making of” DVD.

Lynyrd Skynyrd, ‘Street Survivors’ (1977)

In a fairly ironic twist of fate, only three days after this album came out several members of the band, including lead vocalist and primary songwriter Ronnie Van Zant, died in a plane crash. Suddenly the flames on the sleeve seemed insensitive to everyone, so for many years the flames were airbrushed out.

The Mamas and the Papas, ‘If You Can Believe Your Eyes And Ears’ (1966)

The original album cover showed a dirty toilet in the bottom right hand corner. The one that was released (shown) was ‘sanitized’. A dirty toilet was obviously way too unsavoury for the general public in the 60′s.

Poison, ‘Open Up and Say… Ahh!’ (1988)

Somehow some retailers objected to this sleeve on the grounds that it was too “raunchy”.

Nirvana, ‘In Utero’ (1993)

America’s biggest retailers K-Mart amd Wal-Mart threatened not to stock the record unless the back of this sleeve was altered and the song ‘Rape Me’ changed to ‘Waif Me’. Go figure.

The Residents, ‘The Third Reich N’ Roll’ (1976)

The swastika on this cover caused quite an upror in Germany, where retailers refused to stock it. It wasn’t actually intended as a political statement, more of a cultural one – the figure in the foreground is Dick Clark.

The Rolling Stones, ‘Sticky Fingers’ (1971)

A lot of people got pretty excited about this record cover because of the zipper. Many thought it was too racy. That being said, it only ever got banned in Spain, but not because of any moral issues – the zipper tended to scratch the records racked in front of it.

The Rolling Stones, ‘Beggars Banquet’ (1968)

Another toilet cover that caused an uproar in the 60′s. Th early versions of this sleeve were completely plain as pictures of public toilets were unforgivably vulgar in 1968.

Roxy Music, ‘Country Life’ (1974)

In some areas in the US and other parts of the world a different version of the sleeve was used – the women were airbrushed out completely, leaving only the green backdrop and the band logo.

Scorpions, ‘Lovedrive’ (1979)

Often featured in ‘worst album covers ever’ lists, this bizarre sleeve was replaced in some markets with a more sensible black sleeve featuring a blue scorpion. The album’s artwork was named “Best album sleeve of 1979″ by Playboy magazine.

The Beatles, ‘Yesterday And Today’ (1966)

After a public outcry over the “butcher” cover, the record company recalled copies of this record sleeve

Bruce Springsteen, ‘Born in the U.S.A.’ (1984)

Patriotic Republicans had a major fit over this album cover, thinking that Bruce was shown to be urinating on the US flag.

U2, ‘Achtung Baby’ (1991)

You’d have to study the back cover of this album very closely to discover that bassist Adam Clayton’s penis is visible. The US version of the album featured an ‘X’ over the genitals.

White Zombie, ‘Supersexy Swingin’ Sounds’ (1996)

Once again wal-mart comes to the rescue of the prudish american public – in American stores this model’s modesty was covered by a blue bikini.

The Beautiful South, ‘Welcome to the Beautiful South’ (1989)

This debut album sleeve featured a picture of a woman with a gun in her mouth. After protests, in some markets the sleeve was changed to feature two cuddly teddy bears instead – an ‘in-your-face’, sardonic move by the band.

Tin Machine, ‘Tin Machine II’ (1991)

On the US version of this David Bowie sleeve, the statues’ penises were airbrushed out … all in the name of public decency.

Jane’s Addiction, ‘Ritual de lo Habitual’ (1990)

Perry Farrell freaked out when people started calling for this cover to be banned. To voice his outrage he had it replaced with plain white cover, blank except for the text to the First Amendment to the US constitution guaranteeing freedom of speech.

John Lennon & Yoko Ono, ‘Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins’ (1968)

Many retailers stocked the album inside a brown paper bag. Even the band was divided as to whether or not to release this album cover.

Andrew W.K., ‘I Get Wet’ (2001)

W.K. initially initially said that he struck himself in the face with a small piece of cinder block during the photo shoot, but later it was found out that the blood is actually that of an animal which he got from a butcher’s shop.

Alice Cooper, ‘Love It to Death’ (1971)

“I see penises everywhere!” Just like the Five Keys controversy, everyone thought that the thumb was a penis, and was subsequently airbrushed out.

Blind Faith, ‘Blind Faith’ (1969)

This image accompanied the debut album by the band (which included Eric Clapton and drummer Ginger Baker). The sleeve started bizarre rumours, including that the girl was Baker’s daughter or was a groupie kept as a slave by the band. In the US it was replaced with a photo of the band.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Best spam messages ever

Corrections to Last Month’s Letters to Penthouse Forum.

BY David Cooper

1. The Black Crowes, ‘Amorica’ (1994)

2. Bow Wow Wow, ‘See Jungle! See Jungle! Go Join Your Gang Yeah! City All Over, Go Ape Crazy!’ (1981)

3. Cannibal Corpse, ‘Butchered At Birth’ (1991)

4. Chumbawamba, ‘Anarchy’ (1994)

5. David Bowie, ‘Diamond Dogs’ (1974)

6. Guns N’ Roses, ‘Appetite for Destruction’ (1987)

7. The Five Keys, ‘On Stage!’ (1957)

8. Roger Waters, ‘The Pros and Cons of Hitch Hiking’ (1984)

9. Jimi Hendrix, ‘Electric Ladyland’ (1968)

Lynyrd Skynyrd, ‘Street Survivors’ (1977)

The Mamas and the Papas, ‘If You Can Believe Your Eyes And Ears’ (1966)

Poison, ‘Open Up and Say… Ahh!’ (1988)

Nirvana, ‘In Utero’ (1993)

The Residents, ‘The Third Reich N’ Roll’ (1976)

The Rolling Stones, ‘Sticky Fingers’ (1971)

The Rolling Stones, ‘Beggars Banquet’ (1968)

Roxy Music, ‘Country Life’ (1974)

Scorpions, ‘Lovedrive’ (1979)

The Beatles, ‘Yesterday And Today’ (1966)

Bruce Springsteen, ‘Born in the U.S.A.’ (1984)

U2, ‘Achtung Baby’ (1991)

White Zombie, ‘Supersexy Swingin’ Sounds’ (1996)

The Beautiful South, ‘Welcome to the Beautiful South’ (1989)

Tin Machine, ‘Tin Machine II’ (1991)

Jane’s Addiction, ‘Ritual de lo Habitual’ (1990)

John Lennon & Yoko Ono, ‘Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins’ (1968)

Andrew W.K., ‘I Get Wet’ (2001)

Alice Cooper, ‘Love It to Death’ (1971)

Blind Faith, ‘Blind Faith’ (1969)