There was a young sailor
Who looked through the glass,
And spied a fair mermaid
With scales on her island
Where seagulls
Fly over their nests
She combed the long hair
That hung over her shoulders
And caused her
To tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out
"There's a beautiful mermaid,"
A-sitting out
There on the rocks,
The crew came around
A-grabbing their glasses
And crowded four deep
To the rail,
All eager to share
In this fine piece of news.
Which the captain soon
Heard from the watch.
He tied down the wheel
And he reached for his crackers
And cheese which
He kept near the door.
In case he might someday
Encounter a mermaid.
He knew he must
Use all his wits
Crying "Throw out a line.
We'll lasso her flippers."
And then we will
Certainly find
If mermaids are better
Before or be brave
My good fellows."
The captain then said.
"With fortune we'll break
Through her mermaiden head-
-ing to starboard
They tacked with dispatch.
And caught that fair mermaid
Just under her elbows
And hustled her
Down below decks,
And each took a turn
At her feminine setting
Her free at the end
Of the farce,
She splashed in the waves,
Falling flat on her after
A while one man
Noticed some scabs,
Soon they broke out with the pox
And the scratching
With fury,
Cursing with spleen,
This song may be dull
But it's certainly clean.
Recorded by Oscar Brand, Bawdy Sea Songs
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Kafoozalem
(Chorus Below)
Hi ho Kafoozalem, the harlot of Jerusalem
Prostitute of ill repute
Daughter of the Baba.
Come listen to my tale of woe
It happened many years ago
When women rarely answered no
Way down in old Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
Kafoozalem was a wily witch
A horny whore, a brazen bitch
She caused all the lips to twitch
That liveth in Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
There was a prince both lean and tall
Whose manly arts made all to fall
His victims lined the Wailing Wall
That standeth in Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
One night returnin' from a spree
His customary leer had he
Looked down the road and chanced to see
That horny wench Kafoozalem.
(Chorus)
With artful eye and cunning look
She led him to a shady nook
And to her bounteous bosom took
The pride of all Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
But he was too abrupt, alas
And so he made a hasty pass
That knocked Kafoozalem to the grass
That grows in old Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
But Kafoozalem was overgassed
She arched her back and loosed a blast
That sent him flying far and fast
Sailin' o'er Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
And when the moon is bright and red
A flying form sails overhead
Still raining curses on the bed
Of that brazen bitch Kafoozalem.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.
Hi ho Kafoozalem, the harlot of Jerusalem
Prostitute of ill repute
Daughter of the Baba.
Come listen to my tale of woe
It happened many years ago
When women rarely answered no
Way down in old Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
Kafoozalem was a wily witch
A horny whore, a brazen bitch
She caused all the lips to twitch
That liveth in Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
There was a prince both lean and tall
Whose manly arts made all to fall
His victims lined the Wailing Wall
That standeth in Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
One night returnin' from a spree
His customary leer had he
Looked down the road and chanced to see
That horny wench Kafoozalem.
(Chorus)
With artful eye and cunning look
She led him to a shady nook
And to her bounteous bosom took
The pride of all Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
But he was too abrupt, alas
And so he made a hasty pass
That knocked Kafoozalem to the grass
That grows in old Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
But Kafoozalem was overgassed
She arched her back and loosed a blast
That sent him flying far and fast
Sailin' o'er Jerusalem.
(Chorus)
And when the moon is bright and red
A flying form sails overhead
Still raining curses on the bed
Of that brazen bitch Kafoozalem.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.
Clementine
Near a cavern, in the canyon, in the shadow of the hill
It was there I kept a cathouse with my oldest brother Bill.
(Chorus Below)
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
Oh, my darling, Clementine
You are lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.
Though at first we didn't prosper, soon we started doing fine
When a girl came down from Gloucester by the name of Clementine.
(Chorus)
She was brazen, she was scrawny, she had no gift of gab
But she had the kind of quim, boys, that would reach right out and grab.
(Chorus)
Then the nights were filled with music, the days were filled with song
Our safe was stuffed with money, Clementine was stuffed with dongs.
(Chorus)
But one day there came a stranger, this time she'd met her match
He had a rifled member, she had a smooth-bore snatch.
(Chorus)
Brother Bill was first to notice, he shouted to her, "Turn!&q$ But before those words were spoken, she was spilt from stem to stern.
(Chorus)
We tore that dude to pieces, he was dead within the hour
And we left his cursed member for the coyotes to devour.
(Chorus)
Every day down by the graveyard when they toll the mission bell
We all lay a wreath of roses 'round the quim we loved so well.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Audio Fidelity, 1962.
It was there I kept a cathouse with my oldest brother Bill.
(Chorus Below)
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
Oh, my darling, Clementine
You are lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.
Though at first we didn't prosper, soon we started doing fine
When a girl came down from Gloucester by the name of Clementine.
(Chorus)
She was brazen, she was scrawny, she had no gift of gab
But she had the kind of quim, boys, that would reach right out and grab.
(Chorus)
Then the nights were filled with music, the days were filled with song
Our safe was stuffed with money, Clementine was stuffed with dongs.
(Chorus)
But one day there came a stranger, this time she'd met her match
He had a rifled member, she had a smooth-bore snatch.
(Chorus)
Brother Bill was first to notice, he shouted to her, "Turn!&q$ But before those words were spoken, she was spilt from stem to stern.
(Chorus)
We tore that dude to pieces, he was dead within the hour
And we left his cursed member for the coyotes to devour.
(Chorus)
Every day down by the graveyard when they toll the mission bell
We all lay a wreath of roses 'round the quim we loved so well.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Audio Fidelity, 1962.
Chisholm Trail
Well I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a penny
She says, "For that you won't get any."
(Chorus Below)
So come and tie my root around a tree, 'round a tree
Come and tie my root around a tree.
I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a nickel
She says, "For that you won't even get a tickle."
(Chorus)
I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dime
She says, "For that you're wasting your time."
(Chorus)
Well I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a quarter
She says, "Young man, I'm a minister's daughter."
(Chorus)
And I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a half
She didn't even talk, just started to laugh.
(Chorus)
And I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dollar
She took my hand and she put it in her collar.
(Chorus)
So I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a five
She says, "Come inside, we'll see if you're alive."
(Chorus)
Well I rode her a-standin and I rode her a-lyin'
If I had wings I'd a-rode her flyin'.
(Chorus)
And I went to the doctor 'cuz my gun was sore
"Good Lord," said the doctor, "it's the same damn whore."
(Chorus)
You can put away your holster, put away your gun
your bough's been breached and your shootin's done.
(Chorus)
Well the last time I seen her, I haven't seen her since
She was hustlin' a bull through a barbed-wire fence.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar, and Dave Sear.Bawdy Hootenanny. Audio Fidelity, 1963.
She says, "For that you won't get any."
(Chorus Below)
So come and tie my root around a tree, 'round a tree
Come and tie my root around a tree.
I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a nickel
She says, "For that you won't even get a tickle."
(Chorus)
I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dime
She says, "For that you're wasting your time."
(Chorus)
Well I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a quarter
She says, "Young man, I'm a minister's daughter."
(Chorus)
And I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a half
She didn't even talk, just started to laugh.
(Chorus)
And I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dollar
She took my hand and she put it in her collar.
(Chorus)
So I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a five
She says, "Come inside, we'll see if you're alive."
(Chorus)
Well I rode her a-standin and I rode her a-lyin'
If I had wings I'd a-rode her flyin'.
(Chorus)
And I went to the doctor 'cuz my gun was sore
"Good Lord," said the doctor, "it's the same damn whore."
(Chorus)
You can put away your holster, put away your gun
your bough's been breached and your shootin's done.
(Chorus)
Well the last time I seen her, I haven't seen her since
She was hustlin' a bull through a barbed-wire fence.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar, and Dave Sear.Bawdy Hootenanny. Audio Fidelity, 1963.
Charlotte the Harlot
Charlotte, the harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
Way down on the prairie where cowflop is thick
Where women are women and cowboys come quick
There lived pretty Charlotte, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore.
She's dirty, she's vulgar, she spits in the street
Why whenever you see her, she's always in heat
She'll lay for a dollar, take less or take more
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
Charlotte, the harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
One day in the canyon, no pants on her quim
A rattlesnake saw her and flung himself in
Charlotte the Harlot gave cowboys the frights
The only vagina that rattles and bites.
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
One day on the prairie while riding along
My seat in the saddle, the reins on my dong
Who should I meet but the girl I adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
I got off my pony, I reached for her crack
The damn thing was rattling and bitin' me back
I took out my pistol, I aimed for its head
I missed the damn rattler, I shot her instead.
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore
Her funeral procession was forty miles long
With a chorus of cowpunchers singin' this song
"Here lies a young maiden who never kept score
Young Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore!"
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore!
Source: Brand, Oscar, and Dave Sear.Bawdy Hootenanny. Audio Fidelity, 1963.
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
Way down on the prairie where cowflop is thick
Where women are women and cowboys come quick
There lived pretty Charlotte, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore.
She's dirty, she's vulgar, she spits in the street
Why whenever you see her, she's always in heat
She'll lay for a dollar, take less or take more
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
Charlotte, the harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
One day in the canyon, no pants on her quim
A rattlesnake saw her and flung himself in
Charlotte the Harlot gave cowboys the frights
The only vagina that rattles and bites.
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
One day on the prairie while riding along
My seat in the saddle, the reins on my dong
Who should I meet but the girl I adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.
I got off my pony, I reached for her crack
The damn thing was rattling and bitin' me back
I took out my pistol, I aimed for its head
I missed the damn rattler, I shot her instead.
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore
Her funeral procession was forty miles long
With a chorus of cowpunchers singin' this song
"Here lies a young maiden who never kept score
Young Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore!"
It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore!
Source: Brand, Oscar, and Dave Sear.Bawdy Hootenanny. Audio Fidelity, 1963.
Do They Hang Too Low
(Chorus Below)
Any old storm, any old port
Life is long, love is short
Better get a woman, get a woman if you can
If you can't get a woman, get a clean old man.
Do they hang too low, do they swing to and fro
Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow
Can you swing 'em round your shoulder like a European soldier
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Do they feel too tight, do they rattle when you fight
Can you keep 'em out of harm, can you throw 'em o'er your arm
Do they irritate your knees, do they tear your BVDs
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Do they hang way down, do they drag along the ground
Do they feel so cool and nice when they slide along the ice
Do they irritate when you snag 'em on the gate
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Do they hang too loose from self-abuse
Do they tangle in a knot, do they bang around a lot
Do they twist a key, do you wish that they would shrink
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Audio Fidelity, 1962.
Any old storm, any old port
Life is long, love is short
Better get a woman, get a woman if you can
If you can't get a woman, get a clean old man.
Do they hang too low, do they swing to and fro
Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow
Can you swing 'em round your shoulder like a European soldier
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Do they feel too tight, do they rattle when you fight
Can you keep 'em out of harm, can you throw 'em o'er your arm
Do they irritate your knees, do they tear your BVDs
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Do they hang way down, do they drag along the ground
Do they feel so cool and nice when they slide along the ice
Do they irritate when you snag 'em on the gate
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Do they hang too loose from self-abuse
Do they tangle in a knot, do they bang around a lot
Do they twist a key, do you wish that they would shrink
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Audio Fidelity, 1962.
Roll Your Leg Over
If all them young ladies was up for improvement
I'd give them some help with a ball-bearing movement.
(Chorus Below)
Roll your leg over, roll your leg over
Roll your leg over the man in the moon.
If all them young ladies was little white kittens
And I were a tomcat, I'd make 'em new fittins.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was B-29s
And I was a fighter, I'd buzz their behinds.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was bats in a steeple
And I was a bat, there'd be more bats than people.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was wheels on a car
I'd be a piston and I'd go twice as far.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was little blind moles
I'd find their burrows, I'd fill in the holes.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was mares in a stable
I'd be the groom, mounting all I was able.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was diamonds and rubies
I'd be a jeweler and I'd shine up their boobies.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was singin' this song
It would be twice as filthy and ten times as long.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.
I'd give them some help with a ball-bearing movement.
(Chorus Below)
Roll your leg over, roll your leg over
Roll your leg over the man in the moon.
If all them young ladies was little white kittens
And I were a tomcat, I'd make 'em new fittins.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was B-29s
And I was a fighter, I'd buzz their behinds.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was bats in a steeple
And I was a bat, there'd be more bats than people.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was wheels on a car
I'd be a piston and I'd go twice as far.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was little blind moles
I'd find their burrows, I'd fill in the holes.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was mares in a stable
I'd be the groom, mounting all I was able.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was diamonds and rubies
I'd be a jeweler and I'd shine up their boobies.
(Chorus)
If all them young ladies was singin' this song
It would be twice as filthy and ten times as long.
(Chorus)
Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.
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