Getting Laid in NYC: Technology for the Single Man
I made a spreadsheet a couple of weeks ago, because I was curious about dinners.
My buddy Jeff and I have long-since known dinner is the death-knell for getting laid, but
I had never taken a statistical look at the stuff. Out of about 30 girls I could think of off
the top of my head, I only had sex with 2 or so. Really shitty hit rate. Dinner is a terrible
approach if you want to get laid, and I will explain later why. It’s fine in a relationship,
or after you’ve had sex, or with a girlfriend, etc., but never initially, and never if your
goal is to get the girl naked.
On the other hand, drinks at a sexy lounge after 10pm is always the right move.
Lounges are ideal for a number of reasons, and when I look at my hit rate there, it’s
significant. Of the roughly 40 girls I’ve brought to my favorite spot on the Upper East
Side, about 30 have come home with me and about 25 of those have banged. That’s a
much better hit rate than dinner, and yet I am always amazed to walk down the street on a
given night, especially Friday night, and see all these eager guys sitting across from a
smirking woman. The usual end game there, in my experience, is a fat bill, a bloated
stomach, some yawns and a peck on the cheek, with the guy standing foolishly by as the
girl steps into a cab waving good-bye. Home to porno. Why? Because women know
how to play the game better than men do. Think about all the time they spend reading
dating and relationship magazines, and books – you think they don’t know more about
the playing field than men? Come on.
The idea for this book has been on my mind for some time, and grew directly out
of my experience hustling in New York. I wouldn’t call my game dating, really, because
often I just have a single goal. I often meet women I like, and it may develop into
something akin to dating, but I still (at 30) enjoy the hustle.
A girl I used to sleep with thought it would be fun to write a relationship and
dating book with me but that never got off the ground; another girl (whom I’ve slept
with) asked me and some other bachelor friends to write an essay or short piece on
bachelorhood in New York. I don’t know if they got around to it; I didn’t. But I’ve
always been interesting in gender politics and the battle of the sexes and how to get laid,
etc. I come from a divorced home, and was raised mostly by my mother. We are very
close and I’m sure that contributed to my fascination with and understanding of women.
Anyhow, I’ve always thought it was interesting but never got around to writing
anything. Recently, however, several friends have encouraged me to write a book about
getting laid, because I do it well, and it seems to be the one thing that holds my interest,
and to which I devote considerable time and effort. They say write what you know. I
know how to get laid in Gotham on the cheap.
What I write here is what I’ve found to work and what I do in my own life. None of this
material is hypothetical. I just had sex with my 100
women; I should have made a t-shirt
for her. I keep a spreadsheet of these girls, just as a record, with an “X” if they let me
bang them in the ass. I’m 30, and most of these women have been screwed since I moved
to NYC 3 years ago – about 70 of them. That’s more than 20 girls a year, and I had a
girlfriend for a spell. Also, although there are some rough ones in there, most of the girls
are good-looking (7’s or 8’s) and several are 9’s and 10’s, including 3 super-hot models.
And I don’t have any money.
For Starters – The Marketplace
I realized about 8 months ago that my hit rate was skyrocketing. This winter and
spring I had some incredible weeks: 4 girls in 5 days; 2 girls in one night, etc. I thought
about why things were so plentiful and the answer was: I had a system. I think most guys
spend time and money in the wrong place and then get frustrated when they don’t get
laid. Or, worse, they find that one girl who they can get the honey from and they stick by
her side no matter what, like a puppy. I’ve found that with a system and a deep pool of
talent, pussy is really the second most abundant commodity on earth, after water.
The first thing to realize about women, especially the hot women we all gawk at,
is that we don’t have their perspective. As guys, you and I might think, “Oh man, she’s
so hot. How could I get such a fine chick, etc.” What men don’t realize is that even
stunning women are plentiful; they may be a bit more high-maintenance, but they are not
in short supply, especially in a metropolitan city like New York. I always imagine a
bunch of models or dancers or actresses changing in a locker room. They look around at
all the beautiful flesh surrounding them and get a sense of their commodity-nature; they
are just one of many. Keep that image in your mind; women lead men to believe they are
unique, but secretly they know they are just one of many like them. In fact, in the world,
women outnumber men significantly, something like 51% to 49% for men. That’s
statistically quite significant, and there are real evolutionary reasons for that, but who
cares right now, and that’s not what will get you laid. Just remember there’s no shortage
of pussy. One good exercise is to pass patio restaurants on a summer night, and notice
how many women are eating with other women (especially in NYC). You think they
want to be eating with their complaining, whining friend, who is depressed and with
whom they have to split the bill? Of course not! They’d jump at the opportunity to be
with a guy, so ask them out and then bang the shit out of them! This leads me the first of
• Never let one bitchy or unresponsive girl get to you or affect your outlook.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a cool response or flat rejection from a girl only
to approach another girl 2 minutes later and hit it off, and be in the back of a cab getting
head 15 minutes later. That’s the beauty of being a man – you can always walk away
from a situation that has bad energy. My friend says the single most powerful word in
the English language for a man is “Next!” One of the key characteristics of an effective
hustler, and I see it in my friends who play the game the best, is an ability to walk away
from a negative situation immediately and brush it off, preparing for the next opportunity.
That leads me to my next point which is:
• There are 3 types of girls around: yes, no and maybe girls
Again, the effective hustlers know how to judge the three types and work accordingly.
All guys know the “no” girls. They are sticks in the mud, stand-offish, difficult,
Princesses. Any guy who has been laid several times knows this type of girl. He
probably has a gut instinct that she’s going to be hard to get in the sack. “Yes” girls, by
contrast, are flirty, fun, open with body language and game for anything. They allow you
to ask them back to your place with ease. The problems are the “maybe” girls, especially
if they are hot. Even after years of practice, I still can get stuck on these types, but as
soon as I recognize the direction we’re going I can make the call. The “maybe” girls are
where most guys get hung up spending all their money and time, thinking that they will
get her. Careful, gentlemen, you are dealing with pros. Even other women will admit
how manipulative a woman can be. Don’t assume you’ll wear here down or trick her.
It’s better to walk then to throw more energy at these problem girls.
So, back to the system. Prior to recognizing how effective a system for getting
laid could be, I would take my opportunities where they presented themselves: poolside
at a wedding, on the Chinatown bus between Boston and NYC, in a cab, in Central Park.
Don’t get me wrong, there is not a wrong place to take a woman. But if you want to get
laid with a minimum of time, energy, hassle, bullshit, and most importantly, cost, then
you should work out an effective system.
Think about it. All other business enterprises have a system to deliver a good or
service: Starbucks coffee is fresh, hot and strong because of the system and protocol the
baristas follow. Any successful business must follow a blueprint if it hopes to achieve
significant results; the same applies to shagging women, believe it or not. Do not leave
your sex life up to chance – what women often call “romance”. Take charge of it.
So, we have this large market of single men and women. A city like NY is ideal,
because it’s concentrated, and there are so many people and the city is sexy and
anonymous. By the way, anonymity is key because as a hustler, I try (as I encourage you
to) all types of new methods and approaches; some work, some work brilliantly, but alas,
some fail and fall flat. In this city, who cares, because chances are you won’t see the
person again, and even if you do, by that time you’ll be a confident playboy and who
cares what one stupid bitch thinks, anyhow.
So, it’s a market, and there are plenty of girls for everyone. Also, to us they may
be hot and sexy, but to themselves and other girls, they are just competition, and have
their own un-sexy habits like farting, burping, bad breath, fat thighs etc. Don’t fall for
women’s façade. It’s been my experience that women are heavily front-loaded in what
they can offer - their value-proposition. She may look fit, sexy and sophisticated, but
after you’ve banged her and she’s naked, with mascara running down her face and she’s
trying to stuff her thighs into a pair of too small jeans at 2am, you’ll realize she’s just
another person trying to get by. Don’t be intimidated.
Step 1 – Contact
I have never done online dating. I can’t recall the last time I was set-up. And after a few
retarded episodes with blind dates, I refuse to do that. All my pulls are in the flesh, and
I’m aggressive. I believe it’s a lot about chemistry, and a privilege of males is that you
get to choose. If you see something you like, go after it. It is caveman style, but I bet
cavemen had pretty good sex lives. In fact, I’m sure they did, because we’re here. So,
make like Zog and take what you are hungry for.
Women respond to a hungry man,
believe me. Girls often tell me, after we’re lying in bed chatting, that it was in my eyes;
that was what turned them on and made them feel pursued. They knew where things
There is no wrong place or time to make the approach. I’ve picked up girls on the
street, of course, but also the subway, coffee shop, plays, weddings, buses, restaurants,
etc. I’d say that 90% of my game takes place on the street because I walk a lot (also
keeps me thin and fit, a must for the hustler) and that’s where the girls are. When I had a
car in Boston 5 years ago, I remember thinking how I wasn’t meeting as many girls;
obviously there are no girls to meet in my car! I was on the “T” less (as the subway is
called in Boston. Don’t ask.) and therefore wasn’t meeting the college girls going around
town. I also wasn’t pounding the pavement. Another point that is obvious, but guys
make this mistake all the time:
• Pick-up girls midweek in the middle of the day while they are walking around.
Do not attempt to hustle girls on a weekend night when you are competing with
every other Dick.
I have two advantages over the average guy in this regard: a) I live in New York b) I have
an unorthodox work schedule. I am sure that there are systems to get laid in LA (Hugh
Hefner probably has the patent) but since that city is sprawling and requires driving, it’s a
whole different game. I’m born and bred in Santa Monica, and lived there till I was 18,
so I know a bit of the game. It seems cliquier to me and because of the car culture, harder
to have contact with the ladies.
Here, in NYC, they flow by like sardines in the ocean.
Too bad they don’t make nets.
On the second point, it helps that I take a leisurely stroll to get coffee at Starbucks
and Madison every morning around 10 and that I walk to work (my day job is as a
SAT tutor) in the afternoon. These are the hours all the guys are breaking their backs
downtown to earn a buck so they can take some broad out on Friday and not-bone, as my
friend Adam says. So it’s too easy midday on the street. Not many other players around
and women (for some reason I’m not clear on) think it’s more innocent if you get their
number at 1:15pm on a Tuesday on Lexington Ave., then at some bar Saturday night.
Because it’s also a common pitfall of most guys I’m going to make a bullet point for it,
but it should be somewhat obvious:
• Trying to get a girls number (or worse, trying to bang her) on a Saturday night at
a crowded bar is a loser’s gamble.
Little secret: the hottest ones are the easiest to fuck. Why? Because they are most confident, and don’t
guard their pussy like it’s their only asset. That’s my true experience.
One revelation I experienced upon moving to New York was sheer exposure to so many single, hot
women. I’ve come to realize that one way women create the illusion of scarcity is by staying at home or
only getting done-up and going out on the weekend nights. For some reason, in other cities in which I’ve
lived (Boston, LA, Philly) there would be one or two hotties, here or there, and we’d talk about them for 10
minutes after spotting them. Here, due to public transportation and the street, I’ve got a much better sense
of the market, and I have realized that there are a lot of sexy girls for every guy (not least because our gay
compatriots are out of the game. Hallelujah!)
You’re competing against every other guy, first off. The girl’s ego is ballooning, because
if she’s halfway decent looking, and the guys are beer-goggling, then she’s been hit on by
a platoon of fools and you know how much women like attention (turns out they’d rather
have attention than sex) and if you’re in a city like New York, you have the added
competition of the city itself. By that I mean the myriad things she’d rather do then go to
your place and suck your cock. No matter how suave, clever, funny or good-looking you
are, I’m here to tell you that you’ll look rather dull next to New York Fucking City going
off on a Saturday night. So be prepared for a long and tedious battle if you’re trying to
get her to your place on a Saturday night; more than likely she’ll only lose interest in the
night when she starts to tire, at which point working on you isn’t her focus. She’s ready
Weeknights are different. As I mentioned, women are creatures who need
attention and they are getting less of it during the week; it’s often said that women cheat
as a result of an inattentive husband, whereas men cheat because we can’t control our
hormones and libido. So, the obvious play here is:
• Meet girls one-on-one during the week, when there’s likely to be a lull in even
the most popular girl’s social calendar.
Nothing is more welcome than a phone call or text message from you when she’s getting
nothing from friends, family or other guys, and she’s sitting at home feeling lonely and
unwanted. I’ve found that girls I can’t even get to have a 5 minute conversation on a
Saturday night will come all the way uptown to have a drink with a guy they barely know
if it’s a quiet Tuesday night. Play the cycle of the week to your advantage. Get the
numbers during the day and during the week, and arrange the meeting during a weeknight
when you will get a women’s full, undivided attention.
Another note about weekends: keep those for your men. Having lived in the city
for a few years now, and arriving at an age – 30 – when I’m starting to know what I like
and what I don’t, and choosing the former, I’ve come to appreciate the value of exclusive
time with my men. My schedule is drinks with girls Sunday night through Wednesday,
and often Friday as well because it’s an early night because I work at 8:30 on Saturday
morning. Thursdays, perhaps the best night of the week to go out, I usually go “window
shopping” with a buddy, a wingman. We usually go out to check out the hot scenes and
look at the girlies all done-up. We may meet a couple girls, even get digits or get laid,
but the bulk of my work is not accomplished here. Saturday’s are reserved for dinner
with the boys. I don’t see them all week because everyone works hard in this city, and I
enjoy nothing better than grabbing a big meal and relaxing with a good friend or two,
perhaps having a stogie afterwards. We may or may not go chasing after dinner, but
we’re all cognizant that Saturday is the hardest pull, for the reasons mentioned above.
My advice is to keep one weekend night free to eat with your boys: they’ll keep you sane
and stave off loneliness, plus it’s the ideal time to recount stories of the week just passed.
So we’ve talked about the when and the where’s of meeting the girls – midweek
daytime, in a non-pick-up environment – but what exactly do you do when you see that
foxy, confident, almost bitchy women sauntering down the street towards you?
The Intro – “Hello, I think you’re cute”
Whatever you’ve heard about not paying compliments to women is bullshit. Women like
flattery, they like flirting and sexual tone and many of them appreciate a direct approach.
I can’t remember the last time I used a “line”, both because they sound cheesy and are
retarded, and also because who has time to remember that shit when a hot chic passes in
front of the radar.
Women are animals, just like us, and they sense things from a gut level, as all
animals do. Confidence and a sense of urgency are your two allies in this endeavor. The
confidence will come as you continue to hone your craft and reap the prodigious benefits
of your system. In general, women respond to body language and timing as much, if not
more, than the content of what you are saying. You can tell in 2 seconds if she’s
interested, and get a good sense if she’s a yes/no/maybe girl. “Yes” girls will be
appreciative, reciprocate your attention, stop what they are doing, give you their
attention, and in general enjoy the interaction and the feeling of sexual tension between
the two of you. The other “maybe” girls will give you some leeway, but in general will
be difficult and you’ll feel the work you’re doing.
My friend Jeff is the master at reeling them in. Persistence is the key here, as is a
sense of humor and a feeling that it’s your prerogative to engage these women:
• You are never “bothering” a girl by hitting on her. Remember that it’s your duty
as a man to engage the opposite sex and initiate contact. Don’t get into thinking
you’re being intrusive, she will let you know.
I remember a funny comment this black guy made on a street corner in the city. He was
checking out a hot chic as she walked around the corner and I caught him staring. We
made eye contact and he says, “I’m just doing my job.” He was, and I appreciated it.
I’ve also found other men to be generally admiring and supportive of the pick-up.
By that I mean guys understand the rap, and don’t look down on a guy who takes the
shot. I’ve tried to rap to a girl in a crowded subway before and she just gave me air and
the look away or a few unfriendly one-word replies. My shtick fell flat, and 5 guys were
right there watching. Not a one smirked or laughed; most guys give props for taking the
shot. They’ve been there, or appreciate that you went in for the kill.
Back to the “maybe” girls. They are the ones that engage reluctantly and have
unwelcoming body language, or keep question the pretext of your meeting: “But I don’t
know you?” Also, I’ve gotten the “I’m in a hurry to blah, blah, blah”. You’re in a hurry
too, tell them. I guarantee you their time is no more valuable than yours. The “no” girls
are unresponsive or snobby, or give you the “Who are you?” look. Walk away
immediately. They give off bad energy and can kill an unpracticed guy’s spirit. For
some reason these types want to discourage sex and playfulness between the sexes.
Brutal. Don’t be afraid to walk away mid-sentence. I’ve literally stopped talking and
turned and left in situations where I’m up against a brick wall. You can’t win those, and
Regarding the approach, there’s no right way to initiate conversation. The “head
on” is decent. Also the side by side, “My, you’re in quite a hurry!” works well. I’ve had
tremendous luck with the Two-Step Look Back™, in which I make strong, suggestive
eye contact and then give a look back a couple of seconds later. If the girl is likewise
craning her neck, you’re golden. She’s interested; just wave her over as you get your
phone out. You “can’t talk”, though. Remember, you’re late for __________.
Also, a word about nerves or guts. My friend Arefin asked me this little riddle:
“What killed the warrior?”
“I don’t know,” I replied.
“Hesitation,” he said. We were talking about girls.
I’m sure all of us guys, no matter how dashing, suave and successful today, once
had real trepidation at the thought of approaching a female stranger and making
conversation. First of all, it becomes second nature the more you do it. The benefits of a
good rap reinforce the exercise, as well. Also, recognize that you will fall on you face
many times, especially if you’re young. But, practice makes perfect, and if you can
practice in an anonymous setting like NYC, then there’s no fall-out when you totally
bomb. Also, as I’ll say more than once, confidence, body language and appearance are
more important than what you say.
Get the Number – In less than 1 minute
Keep in mind that like all people girls, especially hot ones, are moody. You need the
contact information of course, otherwise you can’t pursue her. However, you don’t need
to do anything charming, memorable or “cute” when you first meet her. The only
purpose is to get the digits so you can contact her later. After that, keep moving. You
have nothing to say to her, anyhow; you’ll just fuck it up. I’ve found many a reluctant
girl is only too happy to see me midweek for a drink. Remember, their moods will
change, dramatically, and often.
So what do you say to these fickle, sensitive beasts? It doesn’t really matter. It’s
more the timing and body language. I’ve found that the quick move works best.
Walking by a girl, or past a table where she’s eating, whatever, I usually try to make eye
contact, and if she notices me, I acknowledge by saying, “I want to say ‘hi’ because I
noticed we made eye contact, and this is New York and if you don’t take advantage of
moments like these they tend to just pass, blah, blah, etc.” Or, if there’s no eye contact I
stop them and say my standard, “I think you’re cute, but I’m in a rush and late for a
meeting. How ‘bout you give me your number and we’ll grab a drink around here some
night.” That usually works, or at least gets them interested. The yes/maybe girls will
perk up: they know you find them attractive, appreciate that you are confident enough to
tell them so in a polite way, and you have a plan – the drink. That’s all that needs to
happen on the initial meeting. Ideally, you should see her, engage, talk for 45 seconds
while you’re entering her digits, and then smile (or wink, if you’re good at it) and rush
off to your “meeting”.
If you’re in some situation where you can’t leave immediately, like sitting next to a woman on the
subway, etc., wait until you have about 1 minute left with her before striking up conversation. There’s
nothing more awkward than silence between two strangers after they’ve said hello, and even Shakespeare
couldn’t be charming for more than a couple of minutes off the bat, so have a planned exit. In the subway
example, get off and switch cars, if you have to.
The less than one-minute engagement works for a number of reasons. First off
all, it prevents the guy from doing anything stupid or awkward, or revealing too much. A
nervous guy can torpedo a promising situation by talking too much and turning the girl
off, or freaking her out, perhaps by mentioning he lives at home with his folks, or
something like that. The less talking you do, the better. Women, as well as men, like the
fantasy or “romance” of meeting “that guy”, and since almost no guy is ever going to
live-up to some bullshit Prince Charming archetype (who wants to, anyhow) at least
prolong the fantasy for your benefit. This leads to the second reason the one-minute
engagement works: it maintains the intrigue. “Who was that dashing stranger I just met
in the rain?” she thinks as you walk off with your raincoat trailing and your umbrella
extended. As they are reeling from the encounter, trying to process what just happened
and remember the fine details of what you said, and how you looked, and just how you
stood, you’re already gone, not there to fuck it up. They’re hooked. Their mind is
already working on you.
A Note on Appearance
It is important to look good. Looking your best will improve your hit rate. In particular,
if you’re working the street game, keeping a clean-cut “I have a job and pay my rent”
look will work to your benefit. The wheels in a girl’s head are relentless, and looking
responsible and somewhat trustworthy (but not at the expense of sexiness) will counter
the “I just met this guy on the street - I don’t even know him!” alarm in her head.
Confidence and experience here can make up for a lot, and it’s true that good
situations often arise when we least expect them or are ready for them, so avoid being a
slob. You’ll appreciate later when you’re pulling her panties down and she’s smiling at
you. For all the work they do on themselves – waxing, plucking, gym, diet, clothes, hair,
make-up, etc. – the least we can do is shower and brush our teeth.
I have a few preferences and tricks that my running mates share. One is the scruff
factor: in general guys look sexier with a couple days growth. Job permitting, let it grow.
It’s better for your skin, and most women like the look. With clothes you have many
options. One general rule is that shoes are important; they tell a man’s social class, I’ve
heard. I generally have two looks – downtown and sexy or uptown, successful and slick.
Girls respond to both, perhaps for difference reasons.
My downtown look is (and keep in mind this is Manhattan, fashion capital) a pair
of Helmut Lang faded jeans, black Kenneth Cole belt, Timberland Chelsea boots (good
for winter, too) and a tight-fitting Dolce & Gabbana black t-shirt. Uptown is a solid blue
Zegna spread collar shirt (no tie), navy Armani black-label suit, and Ferragamo Daniely
shoes. Every guy has his particulars; I find these two outfits cover the bases.
My friend Jeff turned me on to this little device that can handle bad-breath – an
Oolit tongue scraper. It’s just a strip of plastic with a serrated edge, but it does get the
guck off the tongue, especially in the morning, and especially in the morning after
smoking a cigar the night before. He folds one into his pocket when he goes on dates and
does a few scrapes in the bathroom before making out; I keep mine at home. Use varies,
depending on hygiene and self-consciousness level, I suppose.
First Contact – What now?
Technology is a wonderful thing. We can get the number and so easily put it into
our cell phone, often with one-hand, looking cool while we do so. I tried the pick-up
game a bit when I first got to NYC without a cell phone. Take it from me, it’s a bit
tough. Not only is it burdensome to write numbers down, but also sketchy and a big red
flag to girls that you’re broke, don’t have a job, don’t have credit, etc. Somehow get hold
of a phone, it’s the key tool of the trade.
So you have a phone, but how do you use it? When I first started hustling,
midway through college (up to that point I had girlfriends, like everyone else…) I used to
get worked-up about the initial call, and would get nervous, with butterflies. Inevitably
the call was awkward, I said stuff I wasn’t overjoyed I had said, and the relationship
wasn’t necessarily moving in the direction of me having sex with the caller on the other
end. That was 10 years ago, and things have changed, especially with technology.
It is the era of the text message, and men all over the world should be thanking
their lucky stars. Not only is this the most effective way to control the conversation and
avoid missteps, but you can now reach a larger audience. As my friend Nathan says,
“Text messaging has got to be the worst thing that has happened to women in a long
time.” It removes that old filter that used to prevent all types of guys from getting laid,
something we call “Women’s Intuition”. You know what I’m talking about. You leave a
pleasant voicemail on some chic’s phone after meeting her, but you ramble a bit and the
tone of your voice becomes increasingly less confident and unsure of itself. You hang
up, dissatisfied with the call. It’s the Swingers dilemma – do you call back, etc. (Never
call back, by the way). She senses your nervousness, gets turned off, and deletes your
Luck favors the laconic. Until you’ve had sex with a woman, it’s my experience
that less talking is better. Women tend to be better talkers and can intuit a tremendous
amount from some guy who is yapping his gums off. Keep things unspoken, or refuse to
divulge stuff; above all, keep it playful, flirty and mildly combative. The French have a
word for it – badinage – which means playful, verbal banter.
So keep it light and frothy. But hold on. I want to talk about first contact, before
you meet for a drink. You can always call to say hi and schedule the drink at your spot.
That’s standard. For that, I recommend midday, when you’re at work, real quick “can’t-
talk-now-but-want-to-see-you-soon” call. Calling during the busy business day prevents
you from talking too much and revealing something that will make her suspicious or
disqualify you completely.
It turns out that at lot of the game is avoiding pitfalls. In fact, I think women, in
general, want us to make love to them, but guys inevitably screw it up. I’m sure you’ve
heard, or are aware, that a woman will decide in the first 5 minutes if she’s going to sleep
with you, and then it’s up to you to stay the course or fuck it up in any number of ways.
The best thing for us men, I’ve found, is to stick to a script and veer off infrequently.
I’ve tried almost everything in the book, here in this dating laboratory we call New York,
and I’m codifying what works, and what doesn’t. Disregard this advice at your peril.
So, you’re sitting there Tuesday afternoon with a few numbers in the pipeline and
maybe you’ve left a few short, not too sweet, voicemails, about “hey, let’s grab a drink –
does Wednesday night work?”
That’s a good start. But here’s where leverage really
comes into play. To eliminate the wavering voice, her intuition and the fact that you
don’t have a deep, husky voice from the equation altogether, use a text message.
This seems obvious, but it works wonders. Not only do you have time to
compose your message calmly, but women love to read and write. Getting little
messages via phone gets them excited in the way a little girl gets excited about a letter
from Daddy when he’s away. There is something more fun or romantic, and mysterious
about texting, I don’t know. Plus you can make outrageous propositions that you could
never deliver with aplomb over the phone, much less in person.
I often send a text to a girl I just met who doesn’t have my number. She
invariably answers, “Who’s this?” and I explain and ask when we’re going to have a
drink, etc. Bye the way, if you get into this, buy an unlimited text messaging package
‘cause the shit gets pricey, especially when executing the following.
So here’s where leverage (as my finance buddies like to say) comes in: group
messaging. I was saying earlier how it’s a market, and it is. Well, any Wall Street trader
will talk to you about testing the market to see what’s out there – what the appetite is on a
particular stock. Same thing with girls. Who knows how the bitchy, disinterested French
girl you met last Friday afternoon on Madison Ave. is feeling today, Tuesday, at 3pm? Is
she depressed, lonely, feeling ugly, unappreciated, far from family, etc. Perfect time for
you to drop in with an SMS.
Here’s what I do. I am usually sitting at my desk, doing a bit of tutoring and it’s
early afternoon, nothing going on tonight. My phone allows me to send bulk messages to
up to 20 recipients so I go through the phone book and “Add” the first 20 number to my
message. Then I compose a brief message, something like: “What’s up for tonight?” or
“Any news in your life?” or “What are you doing?” or, my personal favorite because of
its economy: “Tonight?” I do this till my current pipeline is exhausted; recently that was
at least 4 batches for about 80 girls, and then, with my phone on silent so as not to disturb
others, I set it on my desk. The response is usually overwhelming.
I can only keep 30 messages in my inbox, so there is a lot of “Delete All” and
then continued correspondence. The point is that you can blanket a lot of women, and
make demanding, last minute offers (ex. meet me tonight, 10pm at this lounge, in my
hood, etc.) and see what the market thinks. You’ll be surprised what a woman will do to
avoid sitting at home alone watching “Sex in the City” reruns and eating a tub of ice
cream. Just like a market, you’ll get a huge initial response, and then others will trickle
in over the hours as latecomers get the message. There’s nothing better to get a women
interested than to tell her you can’t make it anymore, that the offer’s off the table. Do it
Why Dinners Invariably Fail if You’re Trying to Get Laid
I’m not sure how this started, but some girl must have suggested dinner and a guy with no
plan and an inability to close must have agreed. Let me say again, as I did in the preface,
You can filter the market rather easily in your choice of meeting time. In general, “no” girls will put up a
stink with a late drink during the week. “Yes” girls, on the other hand, are game for most anything, and
will rarely balk at a 10pm first drink Tuesday night at a quiet uptown lounge. You’re time is valuable; use
that dinner is the death-knell for getting laid. And yet the restaurants are packed every
night with first-daters eating away. This is because women are much more clever at
getting what they want from relationships than are men.
This bit on dinners deserves bullet points for the thick-headed:
• Dinners cost a bunch and you pay; you are judged on how costly the dinner is.
• An hour (or more) of talking and eating across from a girl is too much time
before closing – your bullshit starts to smell.
• Eating is the antithesis of sex. It smells and makes the girl bloated and physically
• Food coma can set in, making you tired, and causing you to yawn, which her
oversensitive ass thinks is because you’re not interested in her.
• You may fall into the “boyfriend” category and she will not give it up because
she doesn’t want to ruin it.
• There is no alcohol in her system.
• You, eating, can be a turn-off; consequently, you have to watch your manners,
making the meal a chore.
• After a while, the girl you thought was so hot starts to resemble a sister and
whatever sexual tension may have existed yields to a “friendly” feeling.
Do you need more reasons? Dinner is fine with a girlfriend, or a wife, even a female
friend you’re not attracted to, but please don’t waste time, money and probably you’re
only shot at this girl by taking her to eat. You’re not trying to feed someone; you’re
trying to get laid. The only exception to this is if you invert the order of the date: meet,
fuck, and then eat, after you’ve worked up an appetite. Doesn’t this make more sense?
Didn’t your parents always tell you not to swim after eating? Swim first, and then eat. I
owe this insight to a great mentor of mine, the indomitable and loving Dominick N.
The reason I am so adamant about this comes from experience. When I was in
my twenties, new to dating, I used to take women out to eat. Almost to the one, I would
end the night befuddled and frustrated. What had started out so well eventually petered
out. The reasons above are all legitimate. In particular, two points need elaboration.
First, is the physical nature of eating. If a girl eats a big pasta dish with garlic and
seafood, and then has dessert, and coffee and gets completely stuffed (remember, you’re
paying so they often attempt to gorge themselves on your ticket) and is conscious of her
strong food breath, you really think she’s going to let you undress her? Doesn’t she have
to take a mean shit? Or fart? Sounds gross, but think about it. This is the most unlikely
condition in which she’ll put out. Secondly, even if wine is part of the meal, or there are
aperitifs or port at the end, it will be diluted by all that food. And, as we’ll see alcohol
does (and has for centuries) play a central role in lower inhibitions, loosening the girl up,
etc. You really want your booze dollars diluted like that?
Where to Meet? – The Lounge
A bar is too noisy and uncomfortable; restaurant disqualified for the reasons
above; your apartment, too forward (usually). That leaves the lounge, which is a brilliant
invention in its own right. My friend Jeff and I have often mused about opening one in
Boston, which is notoriously light on places to take a girl for a drink. Here are the
requirements for a good lounge, of which there are many in NYC, several close to my
• Enticing, dim lighting; no overhead lighting for our brothers who are getting thin
• Comfortable couches that make the girl relax and allow you to be physical
• Nice, ambient music that is not too loud; a DJ is usually too much.
• Steady flow of cabs outside to fall into upon departure.
• Wait staff and bartender who get it and know your system.
Because this is the first time you’ll really engage the girl, the setting needs to be
advantageous and play to all your strengths. Do not let her choose the spot; elements you
can’t control will usually work against you getting laid. Make sure she comes alone.
It’s also very important to have an understanding with the bartender and waitress,
which usually means you tipping them well so that they follow your instructions to a “T”.
I don’t drink and haven’t done so for 10 years, but for all you booze-hounds out there, my
advice is: take the night off. This brings me to an important rule of the game:
• You should not drink while “on the job”.
Booze your tits off with your buddies on Saturday night, not here. Banging this chick is
going to take your A-game and you don’t want to be dull. Until you establish yourself
with the bartenders and get comfortable with your spot, you should show up a bit early,
well-dressed (it doesn’t hurt to throw on a suit, at least not in NYC) and post up at the
bar. Quiet nights are best, because they’re more intimate, and also because you’re more
likely to find an open couch or nook in which to cuddle.
Tell the bartender how it is - she works for you for the 2 hours or so you’ll be
there. I tell them I don’t drink but that I am meeting a lady, and that I don’t want her to
feel uncomfortable so could they please bring me seltzer waters, in a high-ball glass, with
a lime. And call it a Tom Collins. Or a Gin and Tonic if you prefer. Never leave your
drink, and don’t let the girl sip it – she will freak out, I guarantee you. If you go to the
bathroom, take it with you. When done, take both her glass and yours to the bar and give
them to the bartender. Also, I find that drinking 2 or 3 seltzers on top of the meal I ate an
hour before (solo or with a buddy) can be a challenge; I usually tell the bartender to make
mine almost entirely ice; hers, little ice and stiff.
Bring the drinks back (it’s best to order at the bar while she’s sitting on the couch
so she can’t hear the conversation) and do a nice little toast, making strong eye contact
when the glasses clink. Avoid giving orders to the waitress out loud because she may
here you say “Tom Collins” and respond, “I thought you were drinking seltzer” or
something worse. Advise them to NOT announce your drink when they hand it to you, as
This is an obvious point, but I’ve had weird situations and my friend Nathan once met a girl, invited her to
a drink and she brought a friend. Can you believe that shit? He rightfully refused to pay for their booze.
Also, it’s a statistical fact that it’s far harder to have sex with a girl when she’s in a group setting. Partly
girls don’t want to disappear and hence be labeled a slut and partly they are having “fun” with others,
making it nigh impossible to isolate a would-be candidate. Avoid at all costs; reschedule, if you must.
they often do: “Apple Martini for the Lady and a seltzer for the Gentleman”. You’ll be
fucked if they do that – not the good way. Also, and I learned this the hard way, don’t let
the girl see the bill. Sure drinking water keeps the cost down, but she’ll flip when she
reads, “Seltzer - $4.00” after you’ve been drinking “G&T’s” all night. I was able to
avoid terrible embarrassment one night when precisely this happened by looking
sheepishly at Nicky, and saying “Look at that – they undercharged us. Should I mention
it?” She was still suspicious. Save yourself a huge problem - keep the bill private.
Conversation – What the Hell do I talk about as this Girl gets Liquored-Up?
As little as possible, is the answer. At least about yourself. Guys are notorious for
blabbing on-and-on about themselves when out for the first time with a girl. Girls have
different brains than we do and follow different cues; talking about your job may seem
interesting, and the part about you being “employed” is, but frankly, women don’t give a
shit about most anything a guy does, except his ability to pay for her and how he fucks
Just have cash to settle the bill and cab fare (discussed later) and let her know you
do something during the day, preferably a “job”. The focus of the conversation should be
on her for 3 reasons:
• It keeps you enigmatic and mysterious
• Women love to talk. It’s how they get comfortable.
• She will reveal whether or not you can fuck her in the next 2 hours.
Given women’s ability to romanticize any situation and fantasize about men and
relationships (who watches Soap Operas, eh?) what you don’t tell them about yourself
they will supply from their imagination. This excites them and they do a better job of
making you into a sexy, mysterious lover than you possibly could by running your
mouth. I have never had a woman who was at a loss for something to talk about,
particularly concerning dating, relationships, men, sex, marriage, etc.
Anything about how the two genders relate is ideal subject matter. This serves
two purposes. It gives you a reservoir from which to draw because there is abundant
material here and you can fill up an hour with Q&A fairly easily. Open-ended questions
work best, such as “What do you think of dating in New York?” Put the bit in their
mouth and they will take the reins. It’s also great because if you direct the conversation
by asking probing, but discreet questions, they will tell you if they’re promiscuous,
chaste, into blowjobs, etc. Asking why their last relationship ended is always a good
springboard, and comments like “having fun”, “dating”, “enjoying being single” are
essentially euphemisms for unattached sex with mysterious men like you.
A Word on the Proper Use of Time
Until you’ve had sex with a woman, time is against you; once you’ve been with her, it’s
your ally. Closely aligned with the notion of the romantic is the feeling of urgency. For
some reason, things moving quickly are more romantically compelling than a drawn-out,
methodical courtship. From first meeting, to planning the drink, to meeting at the lounge,
and now, to the first physicality, timing is crucial. Move too fast and you startle her
(although you’ve be surprised just how fast one can move in a frenetic city like NYC);
move too slowly, and you become a yawner, forever resigned to the hell of the “friends
A standard timeline would be meeting, call or text the next day saying hi and
setting the drink date for 2 days hence. Time between initial meeting and drink should
never be more than 5 days; you should always try your best to fuck her after that first
night, as well:
• A woman will forgive an overly aggressive guy more readily than a passive
milquetoast. The former clearly desires her (of which she is perpetually
insecure), the latter seemingly does not. A woman cannot bear a repeat of a
situation in which she questions her desirability.
So go for it. By the way, guys, stop telling yourselves, not a little patronizingly, that you
are “preying” on that innocent girl; that making a move so soon would be untoward:
• A woman rarely, if ever, is unaware of the romantic implications of a given
Women are so much more prepared, from an early age, to deal with and understand sex,
than are we men. It is a constant part of their biology because of menstruation, and
giving birth is arguably the most important fact of their entire existence. If you think
they are naïve, think again. Many times I’ve considered a situation in retrospect and
thought how much of a dolt I’d been to have missed the signs: it was late at night, we
were alone, she was looking longingly at me, and her posture was upright, confident and
ready. Everything was great, except for the fact that I couldn’t make the move because
we’d just met that afternoon, or it was the cousin of so-an-so, etc.
Two stories illustrate the point. When I was 16 or so, I was at this French
summer day-camp picnic in Topanga Canyon in LA and several of us took the car to the
beach. Everyone got out except the cute female driver and me. I was in the passenger
seat and we were sitting in the car on the side of the Pacific Coast Highway on a warm
summer afternoon with a gorgeous view. I had a hunch this girl liked me, and then, get
this – she reached into the glove compartment to get lipstick. I sit there like a fool while
you slowly circles this stick around her lips. I had to ask may buddy later what her
actions meant. Retarded!
The second story happened 2 years ago, here in the City. I worked for an
investment manager in this tall apartment building (we worked from his beautiful home),
and I met a very sexy girl in the deli below. She gave me her number, etc. Turns out she
was a dentist, didn’t leave for work till late in the morning, and yes, she’d love it if I
would bring some tea by at 9am when I got to work. So I did, a few times. Only
problem was we’d sit next to each other on her couch, very close, sipping our hot teas,
talking bullshit and I could feel the tension and desire so much I was sweating, and my
heart was beating. But I kept telling myself, “I can’t grab this girl and kiss her, and suck
on those luscious tits, and stick my tongue in her pussy because it’s only 9am.”
Turns out people have sex before noon in NYC. I eventually took her to dinner,
etc. Later I did come over late-night and we got in bed, but the energy was flat, and
nothing happened. Lesson? Do it when you feel it. Lisa G. is my dentist today, and I
still go out to see her in Brooklyn. We have a laugh about those mornings. I once asked
if she would have slugged me if I had made a move one morning. She laughed, “It takes
a lot more than that to upset me.” There you go.
Getting Physical – Seating Arrangements
Face-to-Face Sitting across from each other is sometimes unavoidable, but is often a hard
gulf to breach. There is the obvious benefit of eye contact, especially when setting is dim
and candle-lit. Also, there is the forced, and a bit desperate, arms-across-the-tabletop, in
which the woman gently massages your forearms. This can work, and give you a sense
of her touch. What’s most important about physical contact, of course, is that it makes
the woman relaxed. That is, unless you’re a jumpy, jittery motherfucker, in which case
put down this book. So, she can kneed into your forearms, which feels great, meanwhile
talking to you about her _____________ (cat, brother, father, roommate) and all the
while relaxing to a point where she’ll open up more, physically. There’s also the footsie
angle, but I’m not sure that’s still in vogue.
Side-by-Side Most men have a better side, or think they do. Mine is to my left; I think
my profile on that side is better-looking. Choose a side and play it. In general, because I
like my left better, I like to have the girl sit to my left. That way, I come from a point of
What this position lacks in visual intimacy, it makes up for in physical intimacy.
From the side you can extend for the old arm-around-shoulder. You can talk in a low
voice because you’re telling here something “discreet and private” when in truth you just
want to breathe warmly on her ear and neck to excite her. Thighs and crotch are now
within reach and can be grazed and palmed casually as you get up, sit down, lean-in.
This stuff sounds too detailed, but it’s crucial to condition the Pavlovian female to
expect physical closeness from you. To playboys it comes naturally – just go to some
real hot restaurant or bar and watch some stud with a beautiful girl on each side. It’s all
jaw, shoulder, palm and breasts, in a sea of hair. Women like to be touched. You don’t
initiate here, and you’ll be labeled a psycho when you reach for her pussy in the cab or
after 3 minutes of formal bullshit back at you apartment.
When to Leave
I’ve been experimenting with this part of the system. I guess it’s the one area that’s still a
“work-in-progress.” Knowing when to leave, or said another way, when to stay put and
have another round, is crucial. Ultimately, it’s a judgment call, but I’ve recently tried to
see how soon I can pull it in the name of research and economy (another drink for her is
$12 and for you another fucking glass of seltzer water). Obviously, more liquor makes
things easier – to a point. I am usually out of the lounge after two drinks, sometimes
three. I imagine if I held longer I would encounter a couple of problems I avoid: a soused
girl that stinks of booze and is too uncoordinated to play and may possibly boot, or a
more cautious girl that takes note of her drunkenness and becomes guarded, and
suspicious, knowing her resolve is down.
I would counsel three drinks and then split. I’ve taken girls out and they’ve
betrayed their horniness by sucking down the drinks with fervor. I’ve also had to stand
by and bullshit while a girl nursed her drink for an hour – brutal.
Also, recognize that you control the tab, as you’re paying, and can cut it off, or
walk from the date at any time. Last week I had a drink with this Korean girl – cute,
from the supermarket, digits in literally 30 seconds – and after one drink I laid it out. I
don’t recommend this level of candor, but I told her that we’d had one drink and did she
want to join at my place for a second. She demurred, and as I had a buddy with a
promising situation downtown, I told her that if we were going to have a second drink (on
me, of course) and talk more of the same – work, life in New York, relationships – I
wasn’t interested. This was a “maybe” girl and I made the call. Carlos and I had fun
downtown that night.
One last note on leaving the lounge, the last neutral public place for you both. I
often say I know of a place where we can have another drink, and that I’m tired of this
joint. They agree and ask “where?” Here you should be vague, because she may want to
map out the night along her blueprint, which may involve the following number of
hummers: zero. Tell her it’s a spot uptown and then walk out, hail a cab and pile in.
The Cab Ride
The 6 minute ride from my favorite lounge to my apartment is a crucial testing
period. If I have my hand in her panties and her mouth is around my cock, she passes the
test. Everyone’s happy. That isn’t often the case. More usually, they’re coming back to
your place, a bit tipsy, and now would be a good time to test the physical boundaries a
bit. Kissing, breast and crotch action is explored. Also, their willingness to put their
hands on my alerted member is usually telling.
I only give my home address when getting into the cab. If the woman wants to
“get another drink” somewhere else at 1am on a Tuesday night, she’s being difficult.
Which brings us to axiom 42:
• Most difficult women remain difficult.
It’s like Newton’s First Law of Motion (I was a physics major in college). Opening your
wallet all over town in the fading hope that this chic is going to give it up is a rookie
move. Always be prepared to walk from the pussy, particularly at the cab ride stage. It’s
like ripping off a Band-Aid™ – it’s better to do it in one move. It will sting for 20
seconds. Go upstairs, jerk-off, check you wallet to note that you just saved yourself $50
and go to sleep. “Next!”
I have the smallest apartment in Manhattan. Literally. My friend Micah and I
laugh about hosting a dinner party in this large closet, complete with a butler carrying
hors-oeuvres on a silver dinner tray. The place has one window, no kitchen, a shared
bathroom down the hall and a little mini-fridge that sits above incongruous $2000
Armani suits in the closet. And yet, I screw more and better looking girls than all my
friends in the City, many who have infinitely nicer digs.
The reason is two-fold: the power of the system to bring the woman to a point of
no-return, and second, what I will call “presentation” but which is actually an optical
illusion. The system, from first meeting on the street 3 days prior, has worked magically,
and the woman is all but ready to get naked. The apartment, at this stage is simply a
private place to shag, whereas it usually is a tremendous bargaining chip in the male
population’s never ending quest to copulate. The other reason, having to do with
presentation, is comical, yet effective, and bears elaboration.
As said, I live in a box. A box in the most expensive neighborhood in the
country, but a box, nonetheless. As the woman trails behind me at 2am, ascending the
stairwell to my floor, I have the plan in place. There is only a single leather chair with
ottoman in my apartment, and here she must sit. I’ve usually prepared before heading out
that night, and so all the lights are off and there are a couple of candles and matches by
the front door. I’ve found that women will tolerate most anything, provided the
experience is candle-lit.
So I lead, opening the door into darkness, immediately grabbing a candle or two.
These I light, place on either side of the generous leather chair, motioning to her to have a
seat as I remove her coat. Coat hung in the closet, candles flickering laterally, she gets
cozy in the leather. We are ensconced in a little globe of light, the outlines of my meager
apartment hardly visible beyond.
It’s all yours from here…
Copyright © 2005 by Paul Anton Janka. All rights reserved.