Sunday, August 22, 2010

A tricky lady

A fellow who loved doing tricks
Was in love with a gal who sucked dicks
She likened them to flutes
As she blew on those roots
Even though most of those men were just pricks

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Speaking of turds

Well I see you speak of a turd
That's such a crappy word
When you sit on the shitter
Don't be a quitter
Cause you can get a case of gerd...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hobbies that stink

There are lots of things that I save
But poop is not something I crave
I take quite a dump
Seldom a little lump
So if saved it I'd need a cave!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A sad tale

A sad tale ©Rob Hood 6/22/2010
A woman succumbed to a whim
got a hamster stuck in her quim
She jumped all about
To get the damn thing out
But it was in there to the brim

Friday, May 21, 2010

And the Versatility of the F-Bomb

McCarren Park Tree Gets a Clit Ring

The tree trunk in McCarren Park that looks like a big ol' vagina got a sassy little clit piercing the other day

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Red Wing

There once was an Indian maid
Who always was afraid
That some buckaroo
Would fly around and fool
While she lay sleeping in the shade.

She had an idea grand
She filled it up with sand
To keep the boys
From forbidden joys
In Red Wing's promised land

cho: Oh, the Moon shines down on pretty Red Wing
As she lay sleeping
This buck come creeping
With his one good eye he was a-peeping
He hoped to reach the promised land.

He was an Indian wise
He reached for Red Wing's thighs;
With an old rubber boot
On the end of his toot
He made poor Red Wing open up her eyes.

When she came to life
She grabbed her bowie knife
It flashed in the sky
As she let it fly
And shortened his love life

cho: Oh the clouds go floating over Red Wing
As she lays snoring
Her life is boring
Why she'd even welcome Hermann Goering
Into the pleasure of her promised land.

The Winnipeg Whore

My first trip up the Saginaw River,
My first time to the Canada shore,
There I met Rosie O'Grady,
Better known as th Winnipeg Whore.

'Come right in, I'm glad to see you,
Slap your ass across my knee,
And we'll have some fun together,
Dollar and a half will be my fee.'

Some were dancin', some were prancin',
Some lay drunk on the barroom floor,
But there I was in the northeast corner,
Screwin' the hell out of the Winnipeg Whore.

Then, in there walked some sons 'a' bitches,
Must have been a score or more,
Oughta seen me shit my britches,
Slidin' my ass out the whorehouse door.

A Clean Song

There was a young sailor
Who looked through the glass,
And spied a fair mermaid
With scales on her island

Where seagulls
Fly over their nests
She combed the long hair
That hung over her shoulders

And caused her
To tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out
"There's a beautiful mermaid,"

A-sitting out
There on the rocks,
The crew came around
A-grabbing their glasses

And crowded four deep
To the rail,
All eager to share
In this fine piece of news.

Which the captain soon
Heard from the watch.
He tied down the wheel
And he reached for his crackers

And cheese which
He kept near the door.
In case he might someday
Encounter a mermaid.

He knew he must
Use all his wits
Crying "Throw out a line.
We'll lasso her flippers."

And then we will
Certainly find
If mermaids are better
Before or be brave

My good fellows."
The captain then said.
"With fortune we'll break
Through her mermaiden head-

-ing to starboard
They tacked with dispatch.
And caught that fair mermaid
Just under her elbows

And hustled her
Down below decks,
And each took a turn
At her feminine setting

Her free at the end
Of the farce,
She splashed in the waves,
Falling flat on her after

A while one man
Noticed some scabs,
Soon they broke out with the pox
And the scratching

With fury,
Cursing with spleen,
This song may be dull
But it's certainly clean.

Recorded by Oscar Brand, Bawdy Sea Songs


(Chorus Below)
Hi ho Kafoozalem, the harlot of Jerusalem
Prostitute of ill repute
Daughter of the Baba.

Come listen to my tale of woe
It happened many years ago
When women rarely answered no
Way down in old Jerusalem.


Kafoozalem was a wily witch
A horny whore, a brazen bitch
She caused all the lips to twitch
That liveth in Jerusalem.


There was a prince both lean and tall
Whose manly arts made all to fall
His victims lined the Wailing Wall
That standeth in Jerusalem.


One night returnin' from a spree
His customary leer had he
Looked down the road and chanced to see
That horny wench Kafoozalem.


With artful eye and cunning look
She led him to a shady nook
And to her bounteous bosom took
The pride of all Jerusalem.


But he was too abrupt, alas
And so he made a hasty pass
That knocked Kafoozalem to the grass
That grows in old Jerusalem.


But Kafoozalem was overgassed
She arched her back and loosed a blast
That sent him flying far and fast
Sailin' o'er Jerusalem.


And when the moon is bright and red
A flying form sails overhead
Still raining curses on the bed
Of that brazen bitch Kafoozalem.


Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.


Near a cavern, in the canyon, in the shadow of the hill
It was there I kept a cathouse with my oldest brother Bill.

(Chorus Below)

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
Oh, my darling, Clementine
You are lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Though at first we didn't prosper, soon we started doing fine
When a girl came down from Gloucester by the name of Clementine.


She was brazen, she was scrawny, she had no gift of gab
But she had the kind of quim, boys, that would reach right out and grab.


Then the nights were filled with music, the days were filled with song
Our safe was stuffed with money, Clementine was stuffed with dongs.


But one day there came a stranger, this time she'd met her match
He had a rifled member, she had a smooth-bore snatch.


Brother Bill was first to notice, he shouted to her, "Turn!&q$ But before those words were spoken, she was spilt from stem to stern.


We tore that dude to pieces, he was dead within the hour
And we left his cursed member for the coyotes to devour.


Every day down by the graveyard when they toll the mission bell
We all lay a wreath of roses 'round the quim we loved so well.


Source: Brand, Oscar.Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Audio Fidelity, 1962.

Chisholm Trail

Well I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a penny
She says, "For that you won't get any."

(Chorus Below)

So come and tie my root around a tree, 'round a tree
Come and tie my root around a tree.

I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a nickel
She says, "For that you won't even get a tickle."


I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dime
She says, "For that you're wasting your time."


Well I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a quarter
She says, "Young man, I'm a minister's daughter."


And I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a half
She didn't even talk, just started to laugh.


And I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dollar
She took my hand and she put it in her collar.


So I reached in my pocket and I pulled out a five
She says, "Come inside, we'll see if you're alive."


Well I rode her a-standin and I rode her a-lyin'
If I had wings I'd a-rode her flyin'.


And I went to the doctor 'cuz my gun was sore
"Good Lord," said the doctor, "it's the same damn whore."


You can put away your holster, put away your gun
your bough's been breached and your shootin's done.


Well the last time I seen her, I haven't seen her since
She was hustlin' a bull through a barbed-wire fence.


Source: Brand, Oscar, and Dave Sear.Bawdy Hootenanny. Audio Fidelity, 1963.

Charlotte the Harlot

Charlotte, the harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

Way down on the prairie where cowflop is thick
Where women are women and cowboys come quick
There lived pretty Charlotte, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore

It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore.

She's dirty, she's vulgar, she spits in the street
Why whenever you see her, she's always in heat
She'll lay for a dollar, take less or take more
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

Charlotte, the harlot, the girl we adore,
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

One day in the canyon, no pants on her quim
A rattlesnake saw her and flung himself in
Charlotte the Harlot gave cowboys the frights
The only vagina that rattles and bites.

It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

One day on the prairie while riding along
My seat in the saddle, the reins on my dong
Who should I meet but the girl I adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

I got off my pony, I reached for her crack
The damn thing was rattling and bitin' me back
I took out my pistol, I aimed for its head
I missed the damn rattler, I shot her instead.

It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore

Her funeral procession was forty miles long
With a chorus of cowpunchers singin' this song
"Here lies a young maiden who never kept score
Young Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore!"

It's Charlotte the Harlot, the girl we adore
The pride of the prarie, the cowpuncher's whore!

Source: Brand, Oscar, and Dave Sear.Bawdy Hootenanny. Audio Fidelity, 1963.

Do They Hang Too Low

(Chorus Below)

Any old storm, any old port
Life is long, love is short
Better get a woman, get a woman if you can
If you can't get a woman, get a clean old man.

Do they hang too low, do they swing to and fro
Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow
Can you swing 'em round your shoulder like a European soldier
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?


Do they feel too tight, do they rattle when you fight
Can you keep 'em out of harm, can you throw 'em o'er your arm
Do they irritate your knees, do they tear your BVDs
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?


Do they hang way down, do they drag along the ground
Do they feel so cool and nice when they slide along the ice
Do they irritate when you snag 'em on the gate
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?


Do they hang too loose from self-abuse
Do they tangle in a knot, do they bang around a lot
Do they twist a key, do you wish that they would shrink
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?


Source: Brand, Oscar.Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Audio Fidelity, 1962.

Roll Your Leg Over

If all them young ladies was up for improvement
I'd give them some help with a ball-bearing movement.

(Chorus Below)

Roll your leg over, roll your leg over
Roll your leg over the man in the moon.

If all them young ladies was little white kittens
And I were a tomcat, I'd make 'em new fittins.


If all them young ladies was B-29s
And I was a fighter, I'd buzz their behinds.


If all them young ladies was bats in a steeple
And I was a bat, there'd be more bats than people.


If all them young ladies was wheels on a car
I'd be a piston and I'd go twice as far.


If all them young ladies was little blind moles
I'd find their burrows, I'd fill in the holes.


If all them young ladies was mares in a stable
I'd be the groom, mounting all I was able.


If all them young ladies was diamonds and rubies
I'd be a jeweler and I'd shine up their boobies.


If all them young ladies was singin' this song
It would be twice as filthy and ten times as long.


Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.

The Bastard King of England

Now the minstrels sing of an English king of many long years ago
He ruled his land with an iron hand though his morals were weak and low
His only other garment was a dirty yeller shirt
With which he tried to hide his hide but he couldn't hide the dirt.

(Chorus Below)

He was dirty and lousy and full of fleas
But he had his women by twos and threes
God bless the Bastard King of England.

Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane
A lascivious wench was she
She longed to play in her loving way with the king across the sea
So she sent a royal message with a royal messenger
To invite the King of England down to spend the night with her.


Well when Phillip of France he heard it by chance
He declared before his court,
"The Queen prefers my rival just because I'm somewhat short."
So he sent the Count of Zippity-Zap
To give to the Queen a dose of clap
To pass it on to the Bastard King of England.


When the King of England heard the news
He cursed the Gallic farce
He up and swore by the royal whore he'd have the Frenchman's arse
He offered half the royal purse and a piece of Queen Hortense
To any British subject who'd undo the King of France.


So the Earl of Sussex jumped on his horse and straightway rode to France
Where he made a pass and he stripped the sash from Phillip's pajama pants
And in front of a throng he slipped on a thong
Leaped on his horse and galloped along
Draggin' the Frenchman back to merry England.


When the King of England he saw the sight he felt in a faint on the floor
For during the ride his rival's hide was stretched a yard or more
And all the maids of England came down to London town
And shouted 'round the battlements, "To hell with the British crown."
So Phillip of France usurped the throne
His scepter was the royal bone
With which he bitched the Bastard King of England.


Source: Brand, Oscar.Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads, Vol. 3. Audio Fidelity, 1956.

Better off Ted Offensive Out takes

Friday, January 29, 2010

Drunk History

Witness history as it's never been told before: Drunk.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Brothel pricing Chicago circa 1900

The Everleigh Club was a high-class brothel which operated in Chicago, Illinois from February 1900 until October 1911. It was owned and operated by Ada and Minna Everleigh.Opening of the Everleigh Club

Prior to relocating to Chicago, the Everleigh sisters toured brothels in many cities, trying to find a location which had "plenty of wealthy men but no superior houses." They were directed to Chicago by Cleo Maitland, a madam in Washington, D.C., who suggested they contact Effie Hankins in Chicago.[1] After buying Hankins's brothel at 2131-2133 South Dearborn Street, they "fired all the women and completely redecorated the entire building with the most luxurious appointments available. Silk curtains, damask easy chairs, oriental rugs, mirrored ceilings, mahogany tables, gold rimmed china and silver dinnerware, perfumed fountains in every room, a $15,000 [equivalent to $369,205 in 2007][2] gold-leafed piano for the Music Room, mirrored ceilings, a library filled with finely bound volumes, an art gallery featuring nudes in gold frames—-no expense was spared. While the heavyweight boxer Jack Johnson thought the $57 gold spittoons in his café were worth boasting about, the patrons of the Everleigh Club were obliged to expectorate in $650 gold cuspidors."[3] The Everleigh Club was described by Chicago's Vice Commission as "probably the most famous and luxurious house of prostitution in the country."[4]

Prior to the opening of the Everleigh Club, Ada was responsible for recruiting talent for the club. She started by contacting her former employees in Omaha and spreading the word through brothels across the country. She conducted face-to-face interviews with all the applicants.[5] The brothel opened on February 1, 1900 with little fanfare, and turned away many of the clients who initially appeared because the Everleigh Sisters did not deem them suitable for the clientèle they were seeking. Once the club was open, Ada, who was quieter and more reserved than her sister, took on the responsibility of making sure the club was kept up to standards. She oversaw cleaning and renovations.[6] Ada was also very much taken with the gold leaf piano in the Club and once claimed she rejected a suitor because he disapproved of the piano.
The club's heyday

The clientèle of the Everleigh House included captains of industry, important politicians and European nobility and royalty. Among their clientèle were Marshall Field, Jr., Edgar Lee Masters, Theodore Dreiser, Ring Lardner, John Warne Gates, Jack Johnson, and Prince Heinrich of Prussia.
The Everleigh club's Japanese throne room

By 1902, the club expanded and the sisters were making donations to the First Ward Aldermen, "Bathhouse" John Coughlin and Michael "Hinky-Dink" Kenna to ensure their continued leeway. After the Club was closed, Minna Everleigh claimed in testimony that she "always entertained state legislators free in the club."[7]

On March 3, 1902, Prince Heinrich of Prussia visited the Club while in the United States to pick up a ship built for his brother, German Kaiser Wilhelm II. Although the city had sponsored numerous events for Heinrich, his main interest was a visit to the club. The sisters planned a bacchanalia for the visiting prince, including dancing, dining and a recreation of the dismemberment of Zeus's son. During one of the dances, a prostitute's slipper came off and spilled champagne. When one of the prince's entourage drank the champagne, he started the trend of drinking champagne from a woman's shoe.[8]

On November 22, 1905, Marshall Field, Jr. suffered a gunshot that would prove to be fatal. Although newspapers reported it was an accident and occurred at his home, there is some evidence that he was shot by a prostitute at the Everleigh Club.[9]

The club employed 15 to 25 cooks and maids.[10] Gourmet meals featured iced clam juice, caviar, pheasants, ducks, geese, artichokes, lobster, fried oysters, devilled crabs, pecans and bonbons. There were three orchestras, and musicians played constantly, usually on the piano accompanied by strings. Publishing houses would publicize new songs by having them played at the Everleigh Club. The house was heated with steam in the winter and cooled with electric fans in the summer.
Standards at the brothel

The Everleigh sisters had standards for their employees:

* "To get in, a girl must have a pretty face and figure, must be in perfect health and must look well in evening clothes."
* "Be polite and forget what you are here for. Gentlemen are only gentlemen when properly introduced.... The Everleigh Club is not for the rough element, the clerk on a holiday or a man without a check book."
* Their employees had to come to the house of their own free will; the Everleigh sisters would not deal with pimps, panderers, white slavers, or parents eager to sell off their daughters.
* Girls needed to prove they were 18 years old and undergo regular exams by a doctor.
* Drug use was grounds for terminating a girl's employment.

This led to many prostitutes desiring employment with them, as the girls would have a safe environment to work in, good accommodations, and better clientèle. When Everleigh House opened, admission was $10 (the equivalent of $246 in 2007[2]), dinner was $50, a bottle of champagne $12. Private time with one of the girls was another $50. The prices only went up from there, so that it was difficult for a caller to leave without spending at least $200. A decent working wage at the time was $6 a week.
Closing the brothel

Following a 1910 Vice Commission report that noted there were nearly 600 brothels in Chicago, Mayor Carter Harrison, Jr. ordered the Everleigh Club to be closed on October 24, 1911.[11] The sisters retired with an estimated million dollars in cash (the equivalent of almost $22,000,000 in 2007[2]) and traveled in Europe before eventually changing their name back to Lester and settling in New York City. When their brothel business closed, Ada was 45 years old and Minna was 47 years old.

Minna, always the more outspoken of the two, responded philosophically, stating "If the Mayor says we must close, that settles it.... I'll close up shop and walk out with a smile on my face."[11] And so they did. She later stated "If it weren't for married men, we couldn't have carried on at all, and if it weren't for cheating married women we could have made another million."

Shortly after the brothel was closed, Everleigh testified against Chicago aldermen "Bathhouse" John Coughlin and "Hinky Dink" Kenna. Although Everleigh announced she would make her testimony public, threats by "Big Jim" Colosimo to kill Minna and her sister if the testimony were made public kept her silent. Nevertheless, Chief Justice Harry Olson of Chicago's Municipal Court released her testimony which outlined the schedule of graft due to the aldermen in return for allowing operations to continue in the Levee District.

The building which housed the Everleigh Club was eventually razed in July 1933. Today, a public housing project stands on the site.

* Abbott, Karen (2007) Sin in the Second City: Madams, Ministers, Playboys, and the Battle for America's Soul. New York: Random House ISBN 9781400065301
* Asbury, Herbert (1940). Gem of the Prairie. New York: Knopf.
* Hermann, Charles H. (1945) Recollections of Life & Doings in Old Chicago: from the Haymarket Riot to World War I; by An Old Timer (Charles H. Hermann). Chicago: Normandie House; pp. 240 ff.
* Hibbeler, Ray (1960) Upstairs at the Everleigh Club. Volitant Books
* Kanin, Garson (1980) Smash. New York: Viking
* Masters, Edgar Lee (1944) "The Everleigh Club" in: Town & Country, April 1944
* Wallace, Irving (1965) The Sunday Gentleman. New York: Simon & Schuster
* Wallace, Irving (1988) The Golden Room
* Washburn, Charles (1936) Come Into My Parlor: a biography of the aristocratic Everleigh Sisters of Chicago. Knickerbocker Publishing
* Wendt, Lloyd; Kogan, Herman (1943), Lords of the Levee: the story of Bathhouse John and Hinky Dink, Indianapolis, New York: Bobbs-Merrill Co., pp. 320–322 (reissued under title Bosses in Lusty Chicago, 1967 by Indiana University Press, Bloomington ISBN 0253201098; reissued as Lords of the Levee, 2005 by Northwestern University Press, Evanston ISBN 0-8101-2320-7)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

Adam’s Family Jewels

Adam’s Family Jewels
by Tibor Krausz

Keep that Bible out of reach of children.

“And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and He took the bone of Adam’s penis and made him a woman.”

Er, wait, wasn’t it from one of Adam’s ribs that Eve was created?

Not according to Ziony Zevit. A professor of Semitic languages at the American Jewish University in Los Angeles Zevit posits that the Hebrew word tsela (literally “side,” but traditionally translated as “rib”) employed in Genesis refers in fact to Adam’s member.

Zevit, author of the forthcoming What Really Happened in the Garden of Eden?, argues that, etiologically, “rib” doesn’t make much sense in a story pregnant with sexual innuendo; nor is there precedent in ancient Near Eastern mythology for it to feature as an instrument of creation. Instead,tsela was likely a euphemism for the baculum, or “penis bone,” found in the males of most mammals. The Bible uses various euphemisms for male genitalia but never a specific word: two of them, “bone” and “flesh,” in the pertinent verse may be double entendres when Adam welcomes Eve as “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen. 2:23).

Despite macho boasts of having a “boner,” there’s of course no bone in the human male’s reproductive organ. According to John Kaltner, Steven L. McKenzie and Joel Kilpatrick’s recently published compendium of titillating biblical tidbits, The Uncensored Bible, where Zevit’s suggestion receives prominent treatment, the authors of Genesis believed that the human male lacked this specific part of his anatomy precisely because the first man’s had been removed to create Eve.

We already know that the authors of the Bible are hardly trustworthy in matters of biology. Leviticus, after all, attributes only four, not six, legs to insects and appears to classify bats as birds. But Zevit’s interpretation also indicates that scripture isn’t nearly as chaste as we’re normally led to believe.
Buy the book.

Buy the book.

Books like The Harlot by the Side of the Road (1997) by Jonathan Kirsch and The X-Rated Bible (1999) by Ben Edward Akerley have done much to shed light on scriptural ribaldry. The Uncensored Bible, written by a pair of Bible scholars at Memphis’ Rhodes College and a satirist, now furthers the cause with additional examples of sexual escapades unearthed by scholars from beneath the ambiguous expressions and euphemisms of biblical Hebrew. The new hypotheses come with varying degrees of plausibility (Was Joseph a drag queen with his “coat of many colors”? Did Ishmael molest Isaac?), yet on the whole they ensure the Bible is more risqué than ever. Notwithstanding Bible-thumping puritans who claim scriptural authority for their censorious prudery, the Good Book is replete with lewd metaphors, sexual innuendo, and outright obscenities, often starring some of the Bible’s most famous characters.

To win the hand of Michal, King Saul’s daughter, the young David must prove his manliness by performing posthumous circumcision on a hundred slain Philistines. The episode recalls the ancient Egyptian practice of keeping dead enemies’ manly appendages as trophies of war. In a memorable putdown elsewhere, the Prophet Ezekiel derides Egyptians as priapic fornicators whose “emissions are like those of horses” (Ezk. 23:20).

In court we swear to tell the truth with a hand placed on the Bible. But in the book itself, Jacob, nearing death in Egypt, asks Joseph to swear an oath not to bury him there by “put[ting] your hand under my thigh” (Gen. 47:29). Earlier in Genesis, Jacob wrestles with God, who touches “the hollow of his [Jacob’s] thigh” (32:25). “Thigh” happens to be a biblical euphemism for male genitalia; it’s from Jacob’s “thigh” or “loins” that his numerous offspring sprang. The practice of swearing an oath while touching one’s or someone else’s testicles was common in the ancient Near East (Abraham also orders a servant to do just that in Genesis 24:2). Its linguistic memory survives in our word “testify”—testis being the Latin both for “witness” and the male generative gland.

Far from being embarrassing anachronisms in a timeless tale, the naughty bits do much to enrich biblical stories by affording us insight into the beliefs and ideas of ancient Israel. As literary depositories of antiquity’s customs and beliefs, the biblical texts are fascinating documents. It’s when antiquated religious prescriptions and practices are treated as an enduring moral authority that trouble starts. Taken together, the Bible advocates a rather curious set of “family values.”

Take incest. Adam and Eve’s sons and daughters couldn’t have perpetuated the human race without it. And while early Israelites prized virginity, they also considered it a mark of hospitality to offer their wives and daughters to male guests for complimentary sexual services, just as it was a father’s right to sell his daughter to be a “maid servant” (Ex. 21:7).

In the famous story of Sodom, Lot, the nephew of Abraham, volunteers his virgin daughters to placate randy Sodomites seeking to “know” his male guests—two angels in disguise, as it happens. Later, while he’s in a drunken stupor sheltering in a cave after God’s destruction of Sodom, Lot is raped by these same daughters to “preserve the seed of our father” (Gen. 19:32).

Deuteronomy, meanwhile, prescribes the amputation of a woman’s hand for grabbing a man’s family jewels, or “secrets”—even those of an attacker as she comes to the rescue of her husband (Deut. 25:11-12). A biblical scholar, Jerome T. Walsh, has argued that the text in fact stipulates another punishment: the shaving of the offending woman’s pubic hair to shame her. Either way, incapacitating an attacker in a tried-and-tested method would seem preferable to letting your husband perish lest you overstep the bounds of propriety. Not by the lights of the Bible, though.

Not even the most devout can afford to interpret the Bible too literally—selective reading is inevitable. Yet many people still think that without the Bible (and religion in general), we’d all be morally adrift in a sea of licentious barbarism. Judging from many a biblical passage, the reverse is true: sexual civility requires ignoring scripture.

The biblical books were products of their times. Across the barren lands of the ancient Near East, fertility cults proliferated and erotically-charged fecundity was a mainstay of creation myths. In a Sumerian epic of the third millennium BCE, the water god Enki fertilizes the land with his ejaculate. Not to be outdone, the Egyptians’ hermaphroditic sun god Atem generated lesser deities through masturbation.

In Genesis too, fertility is a divine gift, and infertility a curse. The Creator’s first words to Adam and Eve are the instruction to “be fruitful and multiply” (1:28). Soon, God also promises Abraham to make him “exceedingly fruitful” (17:6) and orders him to seal their covenant with circumcision—in other words, to tamper with his reproductive organ.

One of my favorite scholarly theories is that the prototype for the idolatrous Israelites’ Golden Calf may have been Apis the Bull. Often represented with an enormous wiener in line with the phallic-centrist norms of the time, the Egyptian idol was the centerpiece, so to speak, of a popular cult that incorporated a 40-day festival, during which female worshippers would expose themselves before his statue in hopes of divinely-assisted conception—a kind of frenzy which, I guess, would help explain the intensity of Moses’ rage at Mount Sinai.

And let’s not forget Onan. An enduring byword for masturbatory tendencies, this son of Judah is condemned to death for “wast[ing] his seed.” But he wasn’t masturbating, an act that is never directly addressed in the Bible; he was engaging in coitus interruptus, which “was displeasing to the Lord” (Gen. 38:9-10), with his dead brother’s widow out of fraternal obligation. In the end, it’s elderly Judah himself who unwittingly impregnates his daughter-in-law when she tricks him into taking her for a prostitute, thereby siring the grand dynasty that leads to David (and thereon to Jesus). Some family values.

It’s time to face up to it: Just as the unadulterated originals of popular folk tales collected by the Brothers Grimm were often sadistic, scatological and pornographic (no, Prince Charming didn’t wake up Sleeping Beauty with just a kiss), so too the Bible is no innocent bedtime story. It isn’t a fount of moral clarity, either.