Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Old Chisholm Trail

Old Chisholm Trail
Immortalia, Oscar Brand, llewtraH
Come along boys and listen to my tale,
A jigging and a frigging on the old Chisholm Trail.
chorus: Come tie my root around a root around a tree,
Come tie my root around a tree.
I come out of Alice with the longhorn cattle
On a ten-dollar horse and a forty dollar saddle.
Sitten in the saddle with my hand on my dong,
Shooting jism on the cattle as we ramble along.
Boss says "Cowboy, you better shove,
The steer you shot was my own true love."
I jumped in the saddle and the saddle wasn't there,
And I shoved seven inches up the old gray mare.
I'm lying in bed and counting sheep,
They look so pretty, I just can't sleep.
With my ass in the saddle and my pecker all sore,
I spied a little lady in the whorehouse door.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a penny,
She says, "For that you not getting any."
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a nickel,
She says, "For that, you don't even get a tickle."
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a dime,
She says, "Young man, you're just wasting time."
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a quarter,
She says, "Young man, I'm a minister's daughter."
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a half,
She didn't say a word, just started to laugh.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a dollar,
She took my hand and put in in her collar.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a five,
She said, "Come inside, we'll see if you're alive."
I rode her standing, I rode her lying,
If I'd a had wings, I'd of of fucked her flying.
I went to the doctor for my pecker was sore,
He said, "God Damn! It's the same damn whore."
The Doc took a look and then said, "Cough."
I coughed so hard my balls fell off.
Put away your holster, put away your gun,
Your barrels been breached, and your shooting's done.
The next time I seen her, she was shitting on the floor,
And the wind from her ass blew the cat out the door.
The next time I seen her, the weather was hot,
And the roaches run right out of her twat.
The next time I seen her, the weather was cool,
She was fucking herself with an entrenching tool.
I went down to the cellar to get some cider,
There I saw a cockroach jacking off a spider.
I went down to the cellar to get some gin,
There was that cockroach at it again.
The last time I seen her and I ain't seen her since,
She was jacking off a man through a barbed-wire fence.
(Ft. Ord 1953)
(Immortalia)
I rode out of Alice on an October morn,
My horse was a gelding and I had a raging horn.
We didn't reach town till winter, eighty-two.
My ass
was a draggin' and my pecker was too.
I went hunting tail for a prlor house whore.
I didn't have enough so she kicked me out the door.
Reached in my pocket, took out six bits;
She said, "Young man, you can flick my tits."
Reached in my pocket, pulled out a buck;
She said, "That's more like it, now let's fuck!"
I gave her the dollar and she took it in her hand.
She said, "Young men, will you long pecker stand?"
I jumped off my horse, and bolted the door.
She said, "Come and get me, I'm a damn fine whore."
I grabbed right ahold and I threw her on the grass.
My toe-hold slipped and I rammed it in her ass.
I fucked from the rear; I fucked from the front.
I fucked her up the ass when I wore out her cunt.
Lying or standing, she's a buckaroo's dream.
I fucked her nearly senseless and I filled her up with cream.
I paid another dollar and I got another ride;
Put my cock inside of her and couldn't feel the side.
The hair on her pussy was a strawberry brown
And the crabs on her belly were jumping up and down.
Took my old pecker to the watering trough;
Washed him and I scrubbed him till his head fell off.
The next time I seen her, she was floating down a stream
With a belly full of clabber and a cunt full of cream.
The sun shone down on the nipples of her tits;
I knew she was a whore and I didn't give a shit.
The next time I saw her, she was jacking off my hound,
And the jaws of her twat were drippin' on the ground.
Her tits hung down like a pair of wooden buckets,
And her cunt stunk so bad, my dog wouldn't fuck it.
The next time I saw her, she was jacking off her brother;
The crabs on her ass were fucking one another.
Her cunt was so big that no man alive could screw it;
A cart-horse saw it and he went right to it.
The next time I saw her, she was standing by the door,
And the hair from her cunt hung down to the floor.
So I grabbed her by the neck and I threw her on the grass,
Then I stretched her cunt from her navel to her ass.
So I grabbed her by the waist and I threw her on the bed,
But the wind from her ass killed my dog stone dead.
The last time I seen her 'fore I went back on the trail,
And the drippings from her cunt left a track like a snail.
I saddled up my horse and we hit the cattle trail,
Never thought no more of that greasy piece of tail.
Spent three nights in a bedroll full of fleas,
So damn cold that I thought my balls would freeze.
Five days later and my prick turned blue;
I ran to the doctor and he don't know what to do.
So I went to another and he said, "Cough!"
And I coughed so hard, both my balls fell off.
In about nine days, I looked for to see;
Chancres on my pecker were big as a pea.
He said I'd got a bad case of the red, white and blue;
Crabs, lice, and crawlies and the whole damn zoo.
Red with the itching and blue with the clap;
White where it's falling off and won't grow back.
Got ointment for the itching and my pecker turned green.
Doc said I'd got the worse dose of pox he'd ever seen.
The whore found out, and called me a kid;
Told me to remember her, and by God, I did.
Gave me some lotion and my pecker went black.
It might have cured the chancres but my ball began to crack.
"Well," said the doctor, "I'll tell you what I'll do.
Gotta saw your pecker off and both balls too."
Guess you won't go whoring and you'll never get a wife."
Then he sawed off my manhood with his mule-skinning knife.
I met a whore in Alice and she gave me the syph.
My balls dropped off and I can't get stiff.
A cart-horse saw it and he went right to it.
The next time I saw her, she was standing by the door,
And the hair from her cunt hung down to the floor.

Blinded by turds

There was an old lady who lived in the street,
Her passage was blocked up from too much to eat,
She took stomach pills without reading the box,
Before she could think turds were flying for blocks.

Chorus:
Too-ra-li, too-ra-li, too-ra-lay, too-ra-lay,
A rolling stone gathers no moss so they say,
Sing along, sing along, with the birds, with the birds,
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds.

Well she ran to the window and stuck out her arse,
Just at that moment a p'liceman came past,
That poor old p'liceman was eating his pie,
Whena steaming hot turd hit him right in the eye,

[Chorus]

Well he ran to the East and he ran to the West,
When a further consignment hit him right in the chest,
Well he fled to the North and he fled to the South,
When a bloody great turd hit him right in the mouth.

[Chorus]

The next time you walk over Waterloo bridge,
Look out for a p'liceman asleep on the ridge,
His chest bears a plackard, around it these words,
"Be kind to this cop who's been blinded by turds"

[Chorus twice]

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The "F**k It" Puppet (Funny)


What if Sesame Street had adult humor? This would be it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Eveready Harton: world's first porn cartoon character?

Created anonymously by a group of professional animators in about 1929, the silent short Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure is a gleeful exploration of the penetrative arts.

The four-and-a-half-minute short follows the travails of the uncomfortably well-endowed title character as he wanders a barren landscape in search of satisfaction. Along the way, he encounters a self-pleasuring maiden, various sexually aroused animals, a surprised husband, and a cow-humping farmer, whom Harton challenges to a duel. A penis duel.

Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure is one of the earliest examples of an animated porn film. According to its Wikipedia page, several famous animators supposedly made the short for a private party in honor of the pioneering animator Winsor McCay, whose work greatly influenced Walt Disney and is still held in high esteem by Maurice Sendak, Chris Ware, and other luminaries.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Jerry Sadowitz: The Total Abuse Show

Jerry Sadowitz, the man who claims to hate everything, performs live in concert with his magic tricks and offensive humour. RT 53:19 and circa 1988. The Jerry Sadowitz Total Abuse Show played to packed houses and to rave reviews. You won’t see it on TV, so catch it here: live at The Bloomsbury Theatre, London.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Man vs. Girls Gone Wild

Bear Grylls teaches you how to survive an onslaught of boobies on Mardi Gras.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Star Trek Orgasms

I'm pretty sure these were taken out of context, but you be the judge.

TASTiSKANK: The Sex Song

Featuring comedy duo and Broadway stars, Sarah Litzsinger and Kate Reinders.


Friday, January 25, 2008

George Carlin on State Prison Farms

Classic Carlin on how to rid the nation of our four of the most twisted groups for good.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

John Valby (aka Dr. Dirty): Yukon Pete

John Valby, a dirty comedian from the Northeast better know as Dr. Dirty, recalls a tale while doing a live show in New York.

Jason Byrne

Irish comedian Jason Byrne tells us all about a laydeez 'first time' on the World Stands Up

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Comedy Blue: Jim Jeffries

Jim Jeffries is what is commonly referred to as "filthy", but we dont often get to see him saying exactly what he wants on TV.

However, in this set taken from the comedy show "Comedy Blue", Jim is given free reign to say what he pleases.

Please be aware that this video contains very strong language, and themes which are suitable for neither work, the easily offended, nor children. You have been warned!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Jimmy Carr: Fuck Buddies

jimmy carr encounters some fuck buddies in the audience at standup london 2005